Staying "Just Friends" after a Breakup?

• Why trying to stay just friends with your ex right after a breakup may not be the best idea
• Understanding your motivation to try and stay friends
• Understanding your ex's motivation or feelings on staying friends
• Knowing when it's working or when to end things

You’ve seen it on tv and in the movies a million times, but now it’s happening to you. Your boyfriend or girlfriend has just broken up with you. You’re sad, maybe even crushed, but after the last fight you had you also kind of understand.

On tv, they always seem to be able to stay friends after things end - maybe you can too?

Let’s take a look at whether or not it’s a good idea to stay friends with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend

Ultimately, whether or not you should stay friends with an ex that you still love or have romantic feelings for depends on your individual situation and what feels right for you. It's important to be honest with yourself about your feelings and to communicate openly and honestly with your ex about your boundaries and expectations for the friendship.

Things you should consider when deciding whether or not to maintain a friendship with your ex after a breakup

We'll get more into these questions throughout the article to help you work out what's best for you.

1. What’s your real reason for trying to stay friends? Time to really be honest with yourself.

2. Are you ready or able to be “just friends” with your ex? What about your Ex? How do you know if your ex wants space or may not want to stay just friends?

3. Is it you ex hat's breaking the silence? You may dream about getting back together with your ex, but you’re doing your best to move on. What do you do if it’s your ex that’s the one reaching out to you to hang as friends?

4. Are you misreading the signals? You need to be clear on the messaging. You and your ex still have some contact, it’s not bad, but it’s also not “let’s get back together conversation”, though that’s what you want. What should you do?

5. Knowing when it’s healthy and when you should let go.

Know the real reason you’re hoping to stay friends

It's common to have mixed feelings after a breakup, and it can be difficult to determine whether your desire to stay friends with your ex is genuine or if it's driven by a false hope that you might get back together. 

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help determine your true intentions:

1. Why do you want to stay friends? Because you genuinely value their friendship and enjoy spending time with them, or is it because you're holding onto the hope that you might get back together?

2. How do you feel when you think about being friends with your ex? Do you feel excited about the prospect of having a genuine friendship, or do you feel anxious or conflicted about the possibility of rekindling your romantic relationship?

Some things to consider when deciding whether to try and stay friends - Right and Wrong Reasons

Thinking about being friends with your ex can stir up a mix of emotions. It's understandable to feel a bit anxious or conflicted about the idea of rekindling your romantic relationship, but it's also exciting to consider the potential for a genuine friendship. Remember that it's okay to take things slow and prioritize your own emotional well-being.

1. Have you fully processed your feelings about the breakup? It's important to take the time to process your feelings and emotions after a breakup before pursuing a friendship with your ex. If you haven't fully processed your feelings, you may be holding onto the hope of getting back together rather than genuinely wanting to be friends.

2. Can you accept that the romantic relationship is over? If you're holding onto the hope of getting back together, it may be difficult to accept that the romantic relationship is over and that a friendship is the best option. Do you still have strong romantic feelings for your ex? If you still have strong romantic feelings for your ex, it may be too soon or too difficult to be friends. Take some time and space to heal and move on. Once you are comfortable with moving on, you may be ready to have a platonic friendship with your ex.

3. Are you willing to set or accept clear boundaries and maintain a platonic friendship? It's important to be honest with yourself about whether you're willing and able to maintain a platonic friendship with your ex. If you're unable to set clear boundaries or maintain a platonic friendship, it may be a sign that you're holding onto the hope of getting back together. Are you able to set healthy boundaries? It's important to be able to set healthy boundaries and communicate them effectively to your ex. This includes things like avoiding intimate or romantic activities, limiting contact when needed, and being respectful of each other's personal lives.

4. Can you handle seeing your ex with someone else? If you think seeing your ex with someone else will be too painful or difficult, it may not be the right time to be friends.

5. Are you ready to move on? If you're still holding onto hope that you'll get back together with your ex, it may be difficult to maintain a healthy friendship.

6. Do you feel jealous or possessive when your ex talks about their new romantic interests? If so, it may be a sign that you're not ready to be just friends.

7. Are you willing to support your ex's new romantic interests, even if it means taking a step back from the friendship? If you're not willing to support your ex's new relationship, it may be a sign that you're holding onto the hope of winning them back.

8. Can you accept that your ex may not have the same feelings for you? If you're holding onto the hope of getting back together, it may be difficult to accept that your ex may not have the same feelings for you.

9. Are you able to let go of any expectations or pressure to get back together? If you're holding onto the hope of getting back together, it may be difficult to let go of any expectations or pressure to reconcile.

10. Are you able to focus on building a genuine friendship with your ex, even if it means letting go of any romantic hopes or expectations? If you're unable to let go of any romantic hopes or expectations, it may be a sign that you're not ready to be just friends.

By asking yourself these questions and being honest with yourself about your intentions and feelings, you can determine whether your desire to stay friends with your ex is genuine or if it's driven by a false hope of getting back together.

You can gain a better sense of whether or not staying friends with your ex is a healthy choice for you. Remember that every situation is unique, and what works for one person may not work for another.

Ultimately, it's up to you to decide what's best for your own emotional well-being and happiness.

Another exercise is looking at the pro's and con's. It’s especially helpful when you’re feeling extra emotional, like after a breakup, and may not be making the best decisions.

Let’s check out some possible Pro’s and Con’s of Staying Friends After a Breakup

Pros of maintaining a friendship:

1. Maintaining a connection - Staying friends with an ex can allow you to maintain a connection with someone who has been an important part of your life. You can still keep in touch and share life updates without the pressure of being in a romantic relationship.

2. Avoiding drama - If the breakup was amicable, staying friends can help you avoid any drama that might come with cutting ties completely. You can also continue to enjoy the good parts of your relationship without the added pressure of trying to make things work romantically.

3. Emotional support - If you still love your ex, staying friends can provide you with emotional support and a shoulder to lean on during tough times.

4. Learning from the past - Staying friends with an ex can allow you to learn from the mistakes that led to the breakup and help you to grow as a person.

Cons and Potential Risks:

1. Holding onto false hope - Staying friends with an ex can also give you false hope that you might get back together in the future, which can be emotionally draining and prevent you from moving on.

2. Jealousy - Seeing your ex with someone else can be a painful experience, especially if you still have feelings for them. This can lead to jealousy and make it difficult to maintain a healthy friendship.

3. Confusing boundaries - Maintaining a friendship with an ex can blur the lines of what is and isn't acceptable behavior, which can lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

4. Emotional pain - If you still have strong romantic feelings for your ex, staying friends can be emotionally painful and prevent you from fully moving on and finding closure.

Are you ready or able to be “just friends” with your ex? What about your ex? How do you know if your ex wants space or may not want to stay just friends?

Ok, so you’re not willing to give up hope of reconnecting with your ex, or you genuinely want to be friends and know that you can handle it.

What’s the best way to move forward and set some ground rules, on both sides? Let’s take a look at some good first steps:

Communicating openly and honestly

It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your ex about the possibility of staying friends.

Here are some questions you may want to discuss with your ex:

1. How do you both feel about staying friends? It's important to gauge your ex's feelings about the possibility of staying friends to ensure that you're both on the same page.

2. What are your expectations for the friendship? Discuss what you both expect from the friendship and establish clear boundaries to avoid misunderstandings.

3. How much contact do you both want? Decide how much contact you both want to have and how often you'll communicate with each other.

4. Are there any topics that are off-limits? Discuss whether there are any topics or situations that are off-limits in your friendship to avoid hurt feelings or misunderstandings.

5. Can you both handle seeing each other with other people? Discuss how you both would handle seeing each other with other people and how you would manage any potential feelings of jealousy or hurt.

6. What will you do if one of you develops feelings again? Discuss how you'll handle the situation if one of you develops romantic feelings again to avoid any confusion or misunderstandings.

By discussing these questions with your ex, you can establish clear expectations and boundaries for your friendship and ensure that you're both on the same page. It's important to approach the conversation with an open mind and be willing to listen to your ex's feelings and concerns as well.

What should I do if my ex doesn't make the time to maintain our new friendship?

If your ex doesn't make the time to maintain your new friendship, it's important to communicate your concerns with them in a clear and respectful manner:

Here are some steps you can take when trying to communicate your concerns:

1. Express your feelings - Let your ex know that you value their friendship and that you've noticed a lack of effort on their part to maintain the friendship. Be clear and specific about your concerns, but try to avoid being accusatory or confrontational.

2. Ask for their perspective - Ask your ex if there's a reason why they haven't been able to make the time to maintain the friendship. Be open to hearing their perspective and try to approach the conversation with empathy.

3. Discuss your expectations - Be clear about your expectations for the friendship and what you need from your ex in order to maintain a healthy and positive friendship. This may include setting specific times to catch up or establishing certain boundaries.

4. Be willing to compromise - If your ex is unable to meet your expectations, be willing to compromise and find a solution that works for both of you.

5. Consider taking a break - If your ex is still unable or unwilling to make the time to maintain the friendship, you may need to take a break and re-evaluate whether the friendship is worth pursuing. It's okay to prioritize your own well-being and emotional health.

Remember that maintaining a friendship with an ex can be challenging, and it's okay if it doesn't work out. Focus on building healthy relationships with people who value and prioritize your friendship. 

Sometimes it could be easier for your ex to say yes to the idea of remaining friends to spare both of you some hurt. This could be the case when the communication is a little one-sided from you. It’s ok, you can take comfort in knowing you put yourself out there and respect their feelings and non-verbal queues. Make this as an opportunity to focus on yourself and be open to bringing new people into your life.

Ultimately, the decision about whether to stay friends or end the relationship completely is a personal one that depends on your individual circumstances and feelings.

Is it normal to try and stay friends after a breakup?

It's not uncommon for people to try to stay friends after a breakup, but whether or not it's normal depends on a variety of factors, including the circumstances of the breakup, the nature of the relationship, and the individual preferences of the people involved.

Some people may find that staying friends with an ex helps them to move on from the relationship and maintain a sense of connection and support, while others may find that it's too difficult to stay friends and that it hinders their ability to move on.

Is there a possibility my ex would want to stay friends because they want to keep me as an option for getting back together after my ex broke up with me?

It's possible that your ex may want to stay friends with you because they see it as a way to keep you as an option for getting back together in the future. However, it's important to keep in mind that this isn't always the case, and there could be other reasons why your ex wants to maintain a friendship.

It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your ex about their intentions and feelings, and to express your own feelings and boundaries as well. If you're concerned that your ex may be using the friendship as a way to keep you as an option for reconciliation, it may be helpful to have a frank discussion about this and to clarify each other's expectations and boundaries for the friendship.

Ultimately, the decision about whether to maintain a friendship with your ex should be based on what feels right for you, and you should only continue the friendship if it feels healthy and supportive for both of you. If you feel that the friendship is causing you more stress or pain than it's worth, it may be best to take a step back and prioritize your own well-being.

Reasons your ex could be maintaining contact after a breakup

You may dream about getting back together with your ex, but you’re doing your best to move on with your life. What do you do if it’s your ex that’s the one reaching out to you to hang as friends?

A couple reasons your ex is reaching out after a breakup:

1. Fear of being alone or losing the ex completely - See Breadcrumbing

2. Need for validation or attention - This could be a sign that your ex has an anxious attachment style. If you're staying friends with your ex because you're secretly hoping to win them back, it's possible that you may have an anxious attachment style. People with anxious attachment styles tend to crave closeness and intimacy in their relationships, but they may also struggle with feelings of insecurity, fear of abandonment, and a strong desire for reassurance and validation from their partners.

An anxious attachment style could manifest as a fear of losing the emotional connection with your ex and a strong desire to maintain some form of contact or closeness, even if it's just as friends. This may be driven in part by a hope that the friendship will eventually lead to a reconciliation and a resumption of the romantic relationship.

However, it's important to note that attachment styles are complex and multifaceted, and it's possible to have different attachment styles in different relationships or contexts. It's also important to recognize that attachment styles can be changed with self-awareness, understanding, and practice. If you're concerned about your attachment style and how it's affecting your relationships, it may be worth seeking the help of a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance and support.

Hoping to rekindle the romantic relationship

You and your ex still have some contact, it’s not bad, but it’s also not “let’s get back together conversation”, though that’s what you want. What should you do?

If I really do want to stay friends with my ex just so there's a chance we could get back together, is it better to be less available?

If your primary motivation for staying friends with your ex is to keep the possibility of getting back together open, then it may be wise to limit your availability to them. However, keep in mind that being less available does not necessarily mean playing games or being manipulative. It simply means setting healthy boundaries for yourself and making sure that you are prioritizing your own emotional well-being.

Here are a few things to consider if you want to limit your availability:

1. Don't put your life on hold - If you're constantly waiting by the phone for your ex to call or text, or if you're turning down other social opportunities because you're hoping your ex will ask you to hang out, you may be hindering your own emotional growth and moving on. Make sure you're still living your life and pursuing your own interests, regardless of whether or not your ex is a part of it.

2. Set boundaries - If you find that being friends with your ex is causing you emotional distress or preventing you from moving on, it may be necessary to set some boundaries. This could mean limiting the amount of time you spend with them, being selective about the activities you do together, or even taking a break from the friendship altogether if needed.

What are the chances of staying friends after a breakup?

Sure, things may be over, but you guys had a life together and you’d hate to lose the friendship side of it.

There is no one definitive answer to the question of the success rate of friendships immediately after a breakup, as it can depend on a variety of factors, including the individuals involved, the circumstances of the breakup, and how the friendship is defined and maintained.

However, there have been a few studies that have explored the topic of post-breakup friendships. One study published in the journal Personal Relationships found that about 40% of participants remained friends with their exes after a breakup.

The study also found that the more positive the participants' attitudes were towards their exes, the more likely they were to maintain a friendship.

Another study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found that people who were more likely to engage in self-reflection and self-growth after a breakup were more likely to remain friends with their exes. The study also found that maintaining a friendship with an ex was associated with higher levels of emotional stability. Overall, while there is some research on the topic of post-breakup friendships, the success rate can vary widely depending on the individuals involved and the specific circumstances of the breakup.

Ultimately, whether or not a friendship with an ex immediately after a breakup is successful will depend on the unique dynamics of the relationship and the willingness of both parties to maintain a healthy and respectful friendship.

Knowing when it’s healthy and when to let go

The Wrong Reasons to Stay Friends After a Breakup

Remember, it's important to prioritize your own emotional well-being and make choices that are in your best interest, even if that means being less available to your ex. At the same time, if you genuinely enjoy spending time with your ex as a friend and are able to manage your feelings and expectations, there's nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship.

Signs that staying friends is not healthy or realistic

If you're questioning whether staying friends with your ex is hindering your ability to be happy and move on, there are a few things to consider:

1. Are you still emotionally attached to your ex? If you find that you're still holding onto feelings for your ex, staying friends may make it harder for you to move on and find happiness with someone new.

2. Does the friendship bring up painful memories or emotions? If being around your ex triggers painful memories or emotions, it may be a sign that staying friends is hindering your ability to heal and move forward.

3. Are you neglecting other important relationships or aspects of your life? If you find that you're putting all your time and energy into the friendship with your ex and neglecting other important relationships or aspects of your life, it may be a sign that the friendship is becoming unhealthy and hindering your ability to be happy and fulfilled.

The decision about whether to stay friends with your ex after a breakup should be based on what feels healthy and supportive for you. If staying friends is hindering your ability to move on and find happiness, it may be worth taking a step back and prioritizing your own well-being. It's okay to take some time to heal and focus on yourself before considering a friendship with your ex. It might be best to move on if it's taking up too much of your time and energy, to the point where you're neglecting other important relationships or aspects of your life.

For example, if you're spending all your free time with your ex and neglecting your friendships with other people, it could lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness. 

Similarly, if you're constantly thinking about your ex and putting all your energy into the friendship, it could prevent you from pursuing other hobbies, interests, or goals that could bring you happiness and fulfillment.

In this sense, staying friends with your ex can become unhealthy if it's taking over your life and preventing you from living in the present and moving forward. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and make sure that the friendship is adding to your life rather than detracting from it. If you find that the friendship is becoming too all-consuming, it may be worth taking a step back and reevaluating the situation.

Conclusion

Deciding whether or not to stay friends with an ex after a breakup is a complex and personal decision that requires honest introspection and communication. While there are many potential benefits to maintaining a friendship with an ex, such as mutual support and a shared history, it's important to make sure that the decision is based on genuine friendship rather than a desire to win back the ex.

Staying friends with an ex with the goal of getting back together is a delicate situation that requires open communication, patience, and a willingness to respect boundaries. It's important to be honest with oneself and the ex about the true intentions and to take things slow to avoid repeating past mistakes.

The decision to stay friends with an ex should be made with careful consideration of one's own emotional needs and well-being. If a friendship is causing more harm than good, it may be necessary to take a step back and prioritize one's own healing and growth.

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_{Disclosure: This article was not written by a medical professional, unless specifically stated otherwise. Advice or support content is not intended to be either professional medical or mental health advice or recommendations. All support and advice is from direct and/or anecdotal contributor/author experiences and topic research. If you are experiencing a physical or mental health emergency or mental or physical abuse, please seek professional support. Some of the links in this article may be affiliate links, which can provide compensation to us, at no cost to you when you decide to purchase a reviewed product.}

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