Stop Breakup Pain | How to Get Over Someone, Faster and for Good!

• What causes breakup pain and how long it lasts
• What you need to do to shorten and lessen the pain
• How to approach moving on or even winning back your ex

After a breakup, and especially if you’re the one that was broken up with, you're left holding the bag on a whole bunch of emotions, questions, and feelings. Some things you do could feel kind of “involuntary”, while others, though entirely “voluntary” feel compulsory or against your will. The unfortunate fact is that all of these involuntary and voluntary compulsions are all geared towards one thing, prolonging your breakup pain.

But, there are ways to stop it.

No one wants to feel this pain on purpose, but it can be super hard to fight these actions that keep pulling you back into that pain pit.

With some help here, we can climb out of that pit, stop the pain, and win back control of “you” again. So let’s get started!

There are some very common questions people ask when trying to understand, navigate, and get over a breakup:

1. Why does this breakup hurt so bad?
2. How long will the breakup pain last, or how long until I get over it?
3. Why did this happen to me?
4. Does everyone feel like this after a breakup, is this normal?
5. How do I get my ex back or is it even possible? Or, Should I reach out to my Ex?
6. How do I stop thinking about my Ex?
7. How do I get over this breakup?
8. How do I move on and find love again?

The Pain of a Breakup

Breakups hurt, as you surely know. You also may know the pain is both mental and physical, and that the hole you feel in your heart and the desire to do almost anything to stop that pain, is just like an addict going through withdrawal. There is a physiological and chemical reason why you may feel getting back with your ex is the only thing that will make the pain stop.

But, there are ways to manage that pain. Ways to help speed recovery.  There’re even some things you can do to improve your chances of getting your ex back - if that’s what you want and if it’s the right thing “for both of you”! We’ll look at some types of breakups that may have a better chance of getting back than others in a bit.

We really don’t want to make this too much about all the “why things happen in a breakup?”. We know you’re here to find out what to do now, to stop the pain, feel better, and potentially what you can do to get back together with your ex.

This is going to be a long article with a ton of information, so to make things as friendly and fast for you as possible, these are the topics we’ll cover in each of the sections. Feel free to jump to what you want or read everything start to finish in order! Keep in mind though that there is a method to the order and things may make more sense going from beginning to end.

1. Why Breakups Happen?

‍ Most of us are guaranteed to go through at least one in our lifetime.

2. Breakup Pain‍

Here we'll cover - Why we feel pain after a breakup, why there’s such a thing as breakup withdrawal, broken heart syndrome, all the things that cause pain after a breakup, why we can’t help but feel scared, a loss of control, a loss of confidence, fear of loneliness, jealousy, anger, what our own brain is doing to us and why, and what it means to our emotional and physical state when we are “forced” to move from a WE to a ME.

3. The “Why” Behind the Breakup Advice‍

I don’t know about you, but I’m the kind of person that likes to understand why I should do something and what the rationale for any advice given is. Especially if it’s causing me pain and is the opposite of what I WANT to do.

In this section we’ll go through some relationship psychology. We'll arm you with some facts and knowledge that'll let you take advantage of the mind and body system that currently seems to be working against you.

At the very least, you will understand what’s happening to you, and your ex, so that you can make better decisions. Even if these decisions don’t feel right or are difficult at the moment.

If you are informed and can successfully manage or manipulate this "post breakup mind and body system", including the psychological drivers and triggers affecting you AND your ex, you’ll be stronger and better off in the end.

4. How to Stop the Breakup Pain

Here we’ll look at solutions for the pain triggers, tactics, methods, how goals and goal achievement can ease the pain, and how you can use attraction to turn things around. Lastly we’ll spend some time on the power of influencing vs. demanding or ultimatums. 

5. Recovery and Its Obstacles

This is where we’re gonna keep it real, because it is so much easier to give advice than it is to take it. It’s a rough time right now and you won’t do everything perfectly. Well discuss not being too hard on yourself, when to bend and when not to, understanding that there are obstacles that will get in your way to recovery, some are even self imposed, why it happens and how to overcome them. Celebrate your small wins and take note of any positive results attributed to your actions and deliberate, if not difficult, recovery moves. We’ll look at the drivers and indicators that you need to be aware of in order to successfully get over this breakup, end the pain, and find happiness again. Maybe even get a second chance with your ex.

6. Psychology of Relationships

Here we’ll get back into methods and psychology around decision making, taking control back, self-care, using preventative and proactive measures, looking at your own personal inner psychology and happiness, and committing or having conviction in yourself, self worth, self esteem, all the self’s…

Related Articles: 12 Reasons Your Ex Swiped Right On Your Dating Profile‍

7. What Success Looks Like

Then we’ll look at what success means in regard to your breakup recovery and the pain associated with it. What makes sense for you to do, why some things are better to do than others on this recovery journey, what it means to accept certain things that you may not have any control over, what it means to move toward happiness, and how and what it means to once again have control over your thoughts, feelings, and happiness.

8. How to Move On

Finally, we'll go over options and possibilities for the future and a brief recap on what to do right now.

Now, let's kick it off with answering one of the most asked post breakup questions:

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

The answer is 3 months, 6 months, or 12 months. Of course there are extremes on either side, but generally speaking, these are the likely timeframes.

So why not just one amount of time? Why should it take me 12 months to get over a breakup, when it could be over in just three?

Great question. The answer is simple, some people put in the work, while others prolong the pain. Not by choice of course, but there is a level of control most people should be able to exercise. One additional important factor involved here is the level of connection in the relationship. Some of us are much more “attached” to our exes, either because of our individual attachment style, our social/domestic entanglements, or some combination of the two.

3 Months

A 3 month recovery may be indicative of a lower level of attachment/connection to your significant other, regardless of length of relationship. Sometimes, the longer you’re in a relationship your level of attachment begins to wane if not nurtured.

12 Months

A 12 month recovery, or longer, may be indicative of someone that has a high level of attachment and who makes a large number of incorrect or pain prolonging decisions post breakup.

6 Months

A 6 month recovery, or less, should be achievable, even for those with a strong attachment, whether from type or social/domestic entanglements, if you understand relationship dynamics and follow through on what is required to “detach”, heal, and end the pain.

In our experience the first step to a rapid breakup recovery is to arm yourself with some understanding of “what is happening to you” and “why you’re feeling such strong emotions and pain”.

We found that the best thing to do to get over your breakup, sometimes feels like the hardest thing to do. We’ll explain why this understanding will help give you that strength of commitment to do what’s best for you.

Scenario: Let’s say it’s about Day 2 or 3 after the breakup.

Your (now) ex broke up with you and the anger and shock has faded, the fear of loss is creeping in, and the reality, your “new” reality is hitting you. You haven't spoken since things ended. You don’t live together and there’s nothing of consequence of either of yours at each other’s place. You were so mad at them during the fight. You lashed out and said some stuff, like how you are so over all this fighting and this wasted time with them. You may have even meant it. But, now that things have calmed down, all you can really think about are the good times and the growing feeling of sadness, loss, and loneliness. You're scared that your entire life feels like it’s changed in one quick moment.

This is where the need for understanding begins.

Painful Memory Management - Why can’t I stop thinking about all the good times? 

It's very common to only focus on the positive aspects of your past relationship and overlook all the negative ones. This is partly because you are selectively recalling information that mainly supports your current needs and emotions.

When your relationship ends, the loss can trigger feelings of grief and sadness, and reminiscing about happy memories with your ex can serve as a way to cope with those difficult emotions. It's also possible that you may idealize your past relationship as a way to hold onto a sense of connection or avoid feeling completely alone after a breakup.

It’s also possible you may feel a sense of regret or nostalgia for what you perceive as a missed opportunity, and focusing on the good times with your ex can intensify those feelings.

Overall, it's a complex mix of emotions and cognitive processes that can make it challenging to move on after a breakup.

Related Article: 102 Relationship Questions and Answers You've Been Searching For (2023)

Why are the thoughts and feelings associated with a breakup so much stronger than average memories?

The thoughts and feelings associated with a breakup can feel stronger than average memories for several reasons, including:

Emotional Intensity:

Romantic relationships often involve strong emotions such as love, attachment, and intimacy. When the relationship ends, it can be emotionally intense and overwhelming, leading to a heightened sense of pain, sadness, and anxiety.

Cognitive Distortion:

The emotional pain of a breakup can also lead to cognitive distortions, where a person's thoughts and perceptions become exaggerated or distorted. For example, you may believe that you will never find love again, that the breakup was entirely your fault, or that your ex-partner was perfect and you will never find someone like them again.

Brain Chemistry:

When we experience intense emotions, our brains release neurotransmitters such as dopamine and oxytocin, which create feelings of pleasure and attachment. When a relationship ends, the sudden absence of these neurotransmitters can create a sense of loss and withdrawal that can be difficult to overcome.

Attachment Style:

Our attachment style, which is formed in childhood and shaped by early relationships, can also influence the intensity of our emotional response to a breakup. Individuals with an anxious attachment style may struggle with feelings of abandonment and rejection, while those with an avoidant attachment style may try to distance themselves from the emotional pain of the breakup.

So, we tell you all this so that you have a little understanding of what you need to do next. Your first step towards a quick breakup recovery is to break off contact with your ex. 

This basically goes against everything you’re feeling right now. The only thing that makes sense to you is trying not to lose them all together and figuring out how or what you can do to get them back???

This is why we’re layering in some of the rationale for the advice, because it’s gonna be tough. And the only way you will be able to follow through is if you understand why it’s for the best.

How do you combat the memories that are causing you pain and prolonging the sadness of your breakup?

When those memories of your ended relationship are causing you pain, try these are some things you can try:

• ‍Limiting exposure to triggers: Avoid situations or things that trigger memories of the past relationship, such as places you used to go together or items that remind you of your ex.
• ‍Practicing mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation or deep breathing, can help you stay present in the moment and reduce rumination on past memories.
• ‍Challenging negative thoughts: When you find yourself focusing on the positive aspects of the past relationship, remind yourself of the negative aspects as well. Try to be realistic about the relationship and acknowledge that it had its flaws.
• ‍Staying busy and active: Engaging in activities that you enjoy or that give you a sense of purpose can help you shift your focus away from the past relationship and toward the present.
• ‍Seeking support: Talking to friends or a therapist about your feelings can provide you with emotional support and help you process your emotions in a healthy way.

Healing from a breakup takes time, and it's normal to experience a range of emotions, including sadness and nostalgia.

Let’s now get into No Contact and some contact related triggers you need to avoid or stop.

Related Article: What's the Vibe of Your Relationship? | 8 Types of Relationship Vibes

What is “No Contact”?

"No Contact" is a strategy often recommended following a breakup or the end of a relationship, when you completely cease all forms of communication and interaction with your ex. This means no phone calls, texts, emails, social media interactions, or face-to-face meetings. The idea behind the "No Contact" rule is not only to give you, and your ex, the space and time you need to heal and move on after a breakup, but also to break any "pain causing" emotional dependencies and patterns that may have been part of your relationship dynamic.

The "No Contact" period can serve several purposes:

1. Provide Space and Time for Healing

After a breakup, it's important to take time to heal and process your emotions. Constant communication with your ex can make it harder to move on and can prolong the healing process. By limiting contact, you give yourself space and time to work through your feelings and emotions, which can help you heal and move forward more quickly.

2. Reduce Emotional Dependence

It's easy to become emotionally dependent on your ex after a breakup, especially if you were in a long-term relationship. However, this emotional dependence can make it harder to move on and can prevent you from finding happiness on your own. By limiting contact, you can start to break the emotional bond with your ex and begin to develop your own independence.

3. Increase Attraction and Interest

Believe it or not, limiting contact with your ex can actually increase their attraction and interest in you. When you are constantly reaching out and trying to reconnect, it can come across as needy and desperate, which can be a turnoff. However, when you take a step back and focus on your own life, your ex may start to see you in a more positive light and become more interested in reconnecting.

4. Show Strength and Self-Respect

By limiting contact, you are showing strength and self-respect. It demonstrates that you are not willing to settle for less than you deserve and that you are confident in your ability to move on and find happiness. This can be attractive to your ex and can make them more likely to want to reconnect with you on a deeper level.

When a relationship ends, it can be difficult to accept and move on, especially when you still have strong feelings for your ex-partner. However, accepting the end of the relationship and limiting contact with your ex can actually be the best way to potentially bring them back and rekindle the relationship.

This is because constantly trying to reach out and contact your ex can make them feel pressured and push them further away. Instead, focusing on your own healing and personal growth can make you more attractive to your ex and increase the likelihood of them wanting to reconnect with you in the future.

Additionally, research has shown that taking time to process the breakup and work on yourself can lead to healthier and more fulfilling relationships in the future, even if you don't end up getting back together with your ex. Remember, healing from a breakup takes time, but it's important to prioritize your own well-being and trust that everything will work out in the end.

The Psychology Behind Breakups

To understand how accepting the end of a relationship and limiting contact with your ex-partner can actually lead to the rekindling of the relationship, it's important to first understand the psychology behind breakups.

Breakups are typically characterized by a range of emotions, including: grief, sadness, anger, and confusion. These can all be overwhelming and make it difficult to think clearly or logically about your situation. As a result, you may often resort to behaviors that you believe will help you cope with the loss of your relationship, such as seeking comfort and validation from your ex-partner.

However, constantly seeking contact with your ex-partner after a breakup can actually have negative consequences. It can lead to feelings of desperation, neediness, and obsession, all of which can be unattractive and push your ex further away. Additionally, constantly reaching out to your ex-partner can prevent you from moving on and healing from the breakup, which is an important step in the process of repairing the relationship.

It's also important to note that breakups are often initiated by one partner, rather than both. This means that the person who ended the relationship may have already gone through a period of grief and acceptance, while the other partner may still be in the early stages of the process. Constantly pursuing your ex-partner in this situation can be seen as a form of emotional manipulation and can further damage the relationship.

Overall, the psychological processes at play during a breakup can make it difficult to think clearly and logically about the situation. It's important to recognize and accept these emotions and to give yourself time to heal and process the loss of the relationship. This can help you gain perspective on the situation and ultimately lead to a healthier, happier relationship in the future.

Does “No Contact” Work? (studies)

• A 2014 study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin surveyed 270 individuals who had recently ended a romantic relationship. The study found that individuals who experienced more uncertainty about their ex-partner's feelings and intentions after the breakup reported more negative emotions and distress than those who received clear communication from their ex-partner.

• A 2018 study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science surveyed 464 individuals who had recently ended a romantic relationship. The study found that individuals who experienced "ghosting" (i.e., no communication or contact from their ex-partner after the breakup) reported greater emotional distress and lower personal growth than those who received clear communication from their ex-partner.

• A 2019 study published in the journal Communication Studies surveyed 174 individuals who had recently ended a romantic relationship. The study found that individuals who experienced "no contact" reported greater emotional distress, lower relationship satisfaction, and a longer time to recover from the breakup than those who maintained some level of contact with their ex-partner.

Basically, these studies suggest that when you remove contact with a partner, feelings of uncertainty, worry, distress, or some variation or combination can set in. Though especially prevalent in the person that was on the receiving end of the breakup, it is also present in the person who left to some extent if they have any feelings of regret or remorse for leaving. If they have any thoughts about wanting to get back together, a little silence from you may make them more likely to put in some effort to try and stay in contact with you.

One of the biggest reasons you may be struggling with No Contact, fear and anxiety, or moving on is because you are desperately hoping for another chance with your ex. You want to get back together. You don’t want to do anything that might mess it up and you are completely lost in worry about anything you say or do and how your ex may interpret it, that you are freaking out.

Related Article: 6 Types of Breakups that Get Back Together | The Ultimate Guide

Possible reasons you’re struggling to maintain some distance or “No-Contact”

One of the reasons I feel the need to reach out is because I'm afraid my ex will think I don't want to be with them. I’m worried they might move on to someone else if they think I don’t care.

It's super common to be afraid your ex could move on if you don't constantly show them that you still love them, especially if you're still in love with them! This fear can be driven by several different factors:

1. Insecurity

If you don't feel confident in yourself or your ability to maintain a healthy relationship, you might feel like you need to constantly prove your love to your ex-partner in order to keep them interested.

‍Solution: Working on building your self-confidence can be an effective way to reduce the urge to constantly reach out to your ex-partner. This might involve practicing self-care, developing a strong support system, and engaging in activities that make you feel good about yourself.

2. Fear of rejection

‍If you've been rejected in the past, or if you feel like you're not good enough for your ex-partner, you might be afraid that they'll reject you again if you don't constantly show your love.

‍Solution: Working on your ability to cope with rejection can be an effective way to manage this fear. This might involve challenging negative thought patterns, developing a strong support system, and practicing self-care.

3. Attachment

‍If you were deeply attached to your ex-partner, it can be difficult to let go of those feelings and move on. This can make it hard to resist the urge to reach out and try to reconnect with them.

‍Solution: One approach to managing attachment is to practice acceptance and mindfulness. This involves acknowledging your feelings without judgment and learning to live in the present moment. It can also be helpful to practice self-compassion and remind yourself that it's okay to have difficult feelings.

4. Emotional dependency

‍If you relied heavily on your ex-partner for emotional support, it can be hard to let go of that connection and move on with your life.

‍Solution: Building a strong support system outside of your ex-partner can be an effective way to manage emotional dependency. This might involve reaching out to friends and family, joining a support group, or seeking professional help.

It's okay to feel the urge to reach out to your ex-partner, but it's also important to recognize when that urge is not serving you and take steps to manage it in a healthy way.

There actually have been several studies that explored the urges and need to constantly reach out to an ex-partner after a breakup.

• A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who felt insecure in their relationships were more likely to seek reassurance from their partners and were more jealous than those who felt more secure.

• The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology also found that people who were more anxious about rejection were also more likely to engage in behaviors that could potentially lead to rejection, such as constantly seeking reassurance from your partners.

• A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people who were more anxious or avoidant in their attachment style were more likely to engage in "post-dissolutional monitoring," which involves monitoring one's ex-partner's social media accounts, reaching out to mutual friends for information about the ex-partner, and so on.

Avoid Triggers

One of the most challenging aspects of managing memories after a breakup is dealing with triggers. A trigger is anything that reminds you of your ex and the relationship you once had, and can include anything from a song you used to listen to together to a particular restaurant you used to frequent.

Triggers can be incredibly powerful and can bring up a flood of emotions, making it difficult to move on from the past. However, there are ways to avoid triggers and minimize your impact on your emotional state.

• ‍Unfollow or block your ex on social media: One of the most common triggers for people after a breakup is social media. Seeing updates or photos of your ex can bring up feelings of sadness, anger, or jealousy, and can make it difficult to move on. Consider unfollowing or blocking your ex on social media to minimize the chances of seeing updates from them.
• ‍Avoid places or activities that remind you of your ex: If there are certain places or activities that remind you of your ex, it may be best to avoid them for a while. For example, if you used to go to a particular coffee shop together, try going to a different one for a while until the memories have faded.
• ‍Change your routine: Another way to avoid triggers is to change your routine. If you used to drive by your ex's house on your way to work, consider taking a different route for a while. Changing your routine can help break the association between certain activities and memories of your ex.
• ‍Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness is a powerful tool for managing difficult emotions and can help you stay present in the moment instead of getting lost in memories of the past. When you feel a trigger coming on, take a few deep breaths and try to stay present in the moment. Focus on your surroundings and your physical sensations, rather than getting lost in your thoughts.
• ‍Seek support: Finally, don't be afraid to seek support from friends, family, or a professional therapist. Talking about your feelings and experiences with someone you trust can help you process your emotions and move on from the past.

Managing triggers can be a challenging process, but with time and effort, you can learn to avoid triggers and minimize your impact on your emotional state. Remember to be patient and kind with yourself as you navigate the process of healing and moving on from a breakup.

Focus on the Future

How to stay "on track" and stick to the actions that are going to help you get what you want!

Remember in the beginning when we said it wouldn’t always be easy to do the things that are best for you? We were serious. It helps to be reminded why focusing on your personal future is really the best way to get what you want.

Let’s revisit attraction and how to increase your attractiveness to your ex and others around you. If you felt confident that the advice you're getting here would make your ex take another look, would that be enough to keep you going? 

Let’s also address reducing the pain you're feeling again!

This is what you want to stick with…

While it's natural to feel sad and nostalgic after a breakup, it's important to focus on the future and the possibilities it holds. By setting goals and pursuing new hobbies or interests, you can create a sense of purpose and excitement that can help you move forward.

Set Goals

‍Setting goals can help you create a sense of direction and purpose in your life after a breakup. Consider setting short-term and long-term goals in areas such as your career, personal life, or health and fitness. By focusing on your goals, you can create a sense of momentum and progress that can help you move forward.

Pursue New Hobbies or Interests

‍One of the best ways to distract yourself from memories of the past is to pursue new hobbies or interests. Consider trying something you've always wanted to do, whether it's learning a new language, taking up a new sport, or exploring a new city. By trying new things, you can create new memories and experiences that don't involve your ex.

Spend Time With Loved Ones

‍Spending time with loved ones can be a great way to distract yourself from memories of the past and create new memories with the people who matter most to you. Consider planning outings or activities with friends and family, or simply spending time talking and enjoying each other's company.

Practice Gratitude

‍Gratitude is a powerful tool for shifting your focus from what you've lost to what you still have. Make a habit of practicing gratitude by focusing on the positive things in your life, such as your health, your friendships, or your career. By cultivating a sense of gratitude, you can create a more positive outlook on life and move forward with a sense of optimism and hope.

Take Care of Yourself

‍Finally, it's important to take care of yourself in the aftermath of a breakup. This means eating well, getting enough sleep, and practicing self-care activities such as exercise or meditation. By taking care of your physical and emotional health, you can create a sense of resilience and strength that can help you move forward and create a brighter future for yourself.

Remember, moving on from a breakup takes time and effort, but by focusing on the future and taking positive steps towards your goals, you can create a new and fulfilling life for yourself.

Seek Support

Going through a breakup can be a challenging and emotional time, but seeking support from others can make the process much easier. Here are some ways to seek support during this difficult time:

• ‍Lean on friends and family: Friends and family can be a great source of emotional support during a breakup. Consider talking to them about how you're feeling, or simply spending time together doing something fun or relaxing.
• ‍Join a support group: There are many support groups available for people going through a breakup. These groups can provide a safe and supportive environment to share your feelings and experiences with others who are going through the same thing.
• Consider therapy: Therapy can be a great way to process your emotions and work through the challenges of a breakup. A therapist can provide a safe and confidential space to talk about your feelings and provide guidance on how to move forward.
• Practice self-compassion: It's important to be kind and compassionate to yourself during a breakup. This means acknowledging that it's okay to feel sad and allowing yourself to grieve. Be patient with yourself and don't expect to feel better overnight.
• Avoid isolation: It's important to avoid isolating yourself during a breakup. Make an effort to stay connected with others, whether it's through socializing or participating in group activities. This can help you feel less alone and provide a sense of community during this difficult time.

Remember, seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. By reaching out to others and practicing self-compassion, you can make the process of healing after a breakup much easier and more manageable.

Going through a breakup can be a challenging and emotional time, but there are ways to manage reminiscing and memories that make you miss your ex. By focusing on self-care, challenging negative thoughts, focusing on the future, and seeking support, you can create a sense of momentum and progress that can help you move forward.

Remember, healing takes time and effort, but by taking positive steps towards your goals, seeking support from others, and being kind to yourself, you can create a new and fulfilling life for yourself.

It's important to remember that you're not alone, and there are many resources available to help you through this difficult time. With patience, perseverance, and self-compassion, you can overcome the pain of a breakup and create a brighter future for yourself.

Is Worrying About Upsetting Your Ex Keeping You From Moving On?

‍After a breakup  you may find that you don't feel comfortable moving forward and meeting new people because you’re still harboring feelings of attachment and love for your ex, hoping that there still may be a chance to get back together, and you’re worried that if you move on it could hurt any possibility of getting back together with them. Why is this?

There are several reasons why you could find it difficult to move on from your ex and be hesitant to meet new people:

Attachment and Love

If you still have strong feelings of attachment and love towards your ex-partner, it can be challenging to let go of those emotions and move forward. You may hold onto hope that you’ll get back together with your ex, which can make it difficult to be open to new relationships.

Fear of Rejection

‍The fear of rejection can also be a significant factor in you being reluctant to meet new people after a breakup. You may worry that if you put yourself out there, you’ll be rejected, which can be incredibly painful and damaging to your self-esteem.

Worries about Hurting Chances of Getting Back Together

‍If there is still a chance of getting back together with your ex, you may feel hesitant to move on because you don't want to risk ruining that possibility. You may believe that being open to new relationships will make your ex-partner think you’ve moved on and that you’re no longer interested in getting back together.

Getting Stuck in Your Comfort Zone

‍Being single after a long-term relationship can be daunting, and you may prefer to stay within your comfort zone of solitude instead of taking any risks trying to meet new people and potentially facing rejection or disappointment.

There have actually been several studies and surveys that have examined the reasons why people may be hesitant to move on and meet new people after a breakup, such as:

• A survey conducted by the dating site EliteSingles found that 49% of respondents said they were hesitant to move on because they were still in love with their ex-partner.
• The journal Personal Relationships found that individuals who reported stronger feelings of attachment to their ex were less likely to have moved on from the relationship and more likely to report difficulty in finding a new partner.
• A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that individuals who had more positive memories of their past relationship and believed there was still a chance of reconciliation were more likely to report difficulty in moving on.
• A survey conducted by Plenty of Fish found that 55% of respondents said they were hesitant to move on because they were worried about getting hurt again, while 39% said they were worried about hurting their chances of getting back together with their ex-partner.

Overall, these studies suggest that attachment and love towards an ex-partner, fear of rejection and getting hurt, and concerns about ruining the possibility of reconciliation are common reasons why people may be hesitant to move on and meet new people after a breakup.

Stop your brain from working against you and make it Work for You - Breakup Pain Solution & Establishing New Neural Pathways

Going through a breakup can be an incredibly difficult and painful experience. It can be even harder to move on when the painful memories and feelings associated with your loss never seem to go away. But, there is hope for your struggle with all of this!

Cognitive Restructuring

Cognitive restructuring is a type of therapy that offers techniques and tools you can use to restructure your painful thoughts and old behaviors in order to create new, healthier neural pathways in the brain. By creating new neural pathways, you can begin overriding painful memories and emotions, and move forward in a positive and healthy way. 

Let’s take a look at the science behind cognitive restructuring therapy, including how it works, the role of neurotransmitters in the process, and the effectiveness of this technique in supporting mental health and well-being after a breakup.

Understanding the Science of Cognitive Restructuring Therapy

Cognitive restructuring therapy is a form of psychotherapy that focuses on helping you identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors. This therapy is based on the concept of neuroplasticity.

What is Neuroplasticity and How Can It Help My Breakup Pain?

Neuroplasticity refers to the brain's ability to change and adapt throughout life, in response to experiences, learning, and environmental factors. The term "neuroplasticity" is derived from the Greek words "neuron" (nerve cell) and "plastic" (changeable or malleable), and it describes the brain's capacity to form new connections between neurons and reorganize existing ones.

Neuroplasticity can occur at various levels of the nervous system, from the molecular and cellular level to the systems and behavioral level. At the molecular level, neuroplasticity can involve changes in gene expression and protein synthesis, which can modify the strength and stability of synapses, the connections between neurons.

At the cellular level, neuroplasticity can involve the growth of new neurons or the branching of existing ones, as well as changes in the myelin sheath that covers nerve fibers and improves signal transmission. At the systems level, neuroplasticity can involve changes in the patterns of neuronal activity and the formation of new neural networks that underlie learning and memory.

Our opportunities to insert these new experiences, create these new "this feels good!" memory connections, and mute those painful ex memories is a powerful tool to fast track recovery.

The mechanisms of neuroplasticity are complex and multifaceted, involving a range of molecular, cellular, and systems-level processes. For example, neuroplasticity can be influenced by various neurotransmitters, including dopamine, serotonin, and acetylcholine, as well as by growth factors such as brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) and nerve growth factor (NGF).

The study of neuroplasticity has important implications for understanding a range of neurological and psychiatric conditions, as well as for developing new treatments and interventions. For example, therapies that target neuroplasticity, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), have been shown to be effective for a range of conditions, including depression, anxiety, and chronic pain.

How Do You “Overwrite” Neural Connections Related to Your Ex? …aka, lessen the painful memories and feelings.

Overcoming deeply rooted and reinforced neural connections related to a past romantic relationship can be challenging, but it is possible through intentional effort and time. You may have heard of some of these before, but try and look at them in a new light given your new knowledge around neural plasticity and cognitive restructuring. Things you should do to begin the “rewrite”:

• ‍Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness can help you become aware of your thoughts and emotions without judgment. This can help you recognize when you are thinking about your past relationship and allow you to redirect your thoughts to the present moment. Mindfulness meditation has been shown to increase the density of gray matter in the brain, which can help with emotional regulation and reducing stress.
• ‍Gratitude practice: Cultivating gratitude for the positive aspects of your life can help shift your focus away from negative thoughts about your past relationship. Practicing gratitude regularly can help you rewire your brain to focus on positive experiences and emotions.
• ‍Engage in new activities: Engaging in new activities, hobbies or learning new skills can stimulate the formation of new neural connections and promote the growth of new pathways in the brain. This can help you move away from focusing on your past relationship and towards creating new positive experiences and memories.
• ‍Cognitive restructuring: This technique involves identifying and challenging negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself, your ex-partner, and the relationship. For example, instead of thinking "I'll never find love again," you can challenge that thought by asking yourself, "What evidence is there that supports this belief? Is it possible that I could find love again?"

Bringing it all back home…

Neuroplasticity allows the brain to adapt and change in response to new experiences and environmental factors, including traumatic events, such as a breakup. When you experience a painful breakup, your brain may create neural pathways associated with these negative thoughts and emotions. These neural pathways can become so ingrained that they feel automatic and difficult to change. This means your brain basically makes it easier for you to remember and feel this painful experience over and over (involuntary).

Cognitive restructuring therapy works by helping you identify these negative thought patterns and behaviors and create new, healthier neural pathways in the brain. You are essentially rewiring your brain. Through techniques such as identifying automatic negative thoughts, challenging these negative thoughts, and reattribution, you can actively work on changing your thought patterns and behaviors related to the breakup. This means there’s a way (voluntary) to stop these painful thoughts from popping into your head all the time!‍

The Role of Neurotransmitters in Cognitive Restructuring Therapy (Benefit of New Positive Experiences)

Neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin play a key role in the creation of new neural pathways during cognitive restructuring therapy. Dopamine, often referred to as the "feel-good" neurotransmitter, is released in response to rewarding or pleasurable experiences. This includes experiences such as spending time with loved ones, exercising, or achieving a goal. When dopamine is released, it reinforces the neural pathways associated with the positive experience, making it stronger and more easily accessible in the future.

Some research suggests that dopamine release may be linked to the formation of new neural pathways during cognitive restructuring. For instance, a study published in the Journal of Neuroscience in 2014 found that dopamine release was associated with the successful extinction of fear memories in mice, which is a process that involves the creation of new neural pathways.

These stronger pathways are also why we can’t help but think about these experiences when they're gone or missing. The body is missing (withdrawing) from the dopamine rush and is prompting, prodding, and pushing you to go back and make it happen again. The pain and sadness you feel is your brain’s  most effective weapon. What we're trying to do here is "game the system" and use this dopamine feedback to our advantage.

Serotonin, the other neurotransmitter involved in the creation of new neural pathways, is known to regulate mood. Low levels of serotonin have been linked to depression and anxiety. Studies have shown that serotonin plays a role in learning and memory formation, and that increased serotonin levels can promote the creation of new neural pathways.

• A study published in the journal Biological Psychiatry in 2011 found that individuals with higher levels of serotonin in their brains were more likely to learn from positive feedback during a cognitive task, suggesting that serotonin may facilitate the creation of new neural pathways involved in learning and memory.

During cognitive restructuring therapy, you are encouraged to engage in new and positive experiences that can trigger a new release of dopamine and serotonin. These experiences may include trying new hobbies or activities, spending time with friends and family, or pursuing some personal goals! 

The process of triggering dopamine and serotonin during cognitive restructuring therapy is complex and multifaceted, involving reinforcement, positive emotions, learning, and stress reduction. Engaging in new experiences alone may not be enough to completely override or erase the neural networks associated with a painful breakup.

This is where cognitive restructuring therapy can be particularly helpful, as it allows individuals to actively work on changing your thoughts and behaviors related to the breakup, which can lead to the creation of new, healthier neural networks, and help you move on more quickly after a painful breakup.

This is why one of the top pieces of advice people give you to get over a breakup is to get out and do stuff, try to have fun, and meet new people.

It’s not JUST about enjoying new experiences - It's also about Managing Thoughts Related to the Old Ones

You need to include challenging negative thoughts and beliefs to truly be successful when trying to move towards a more positive way of thinking. This process can be difficult and may initially trigger negative emotions such as sadness or anxiety.

By persisting through these uncomfortable emotions and actively working to replace negative thoughts with more positive and realistic ones, you can support the creation of new neural pathways that focus on more positive thoughts and emotions.

Cognitive restructuring involves identifying negative thought patterns, such as distorted thinking, negative self-talk, or irrational beliefs, and replacing them with more realistic, positive, or constructive thoughts. 

How do you do this? Start here:

Techniques Used in Cognitive Restructuring Therapy

• ‍Identifying Automatic Negative Thoughts: This technique involves becoming aware of the negative thoughts that arise automatically in response to a breakup or other triggering event. These thoughts may include statements such as "I'll never find someone else" or "It's all my fault." By identifying these automatic negative thoughts, individuals can begin to challenge them and replace them with more positive and realistic thoughts.

• ‍Challenging Negative Thoughts: Once negative thoughts have been identified, the next step is to challenge them. This involves questioning the evidence for and against the negative thought and coming up with a more balanced and realistic thought to replace it. For example, if someone is thinking "I'm unlovable," you can challenge this thought by looking at evidence that supports more positive or realistic thoughts, such as times when you have been loved and supported by others.

• ‍Decatastrophizing: This technique involves challenging catastrophic thoughts and beliefs about the breakup. This may involve asking questions such as "What is the worst thing that could happen?" and "I'll never be happy again". By challenging catastrophic thoughts, individuals can begin to see the situation in a more realistic and less overwhelming way.

• ‍Reattribution: This involves looking for alternative explanations for negative events or situations, and taking responsibility for your own feelings and behaviors. For example, instead of attributing the breakup solely to your own flaws or mistakes, individuals can reattribute the cause to a combination of factors, including the other person's behavior or circumstances beyond your control.

Does Cognitive Restructuring Work?

A 2010 study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology found that cognitive restructuring, combined with other therapeutic techniques such as behavioral activation and problem-solving skills training, was effective in reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety in individuals following a romantic breakup.

The study involved 56 participants who received eight weekly sessions of therapy focused on cognitive restructuring and other techniques, and compared their outcomes to a control group of 26 individuals who did not receive therapy. The results showed that the therapy group had significant reductions in symptoms of depression and anxiety, as well as improvements in overall well-being and social functioning, compared to the control group.

Another study, published in the journal Psychology and Psychotherapy in 2018, found that cognitive restructuring was effective in reducing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in individuals following a romantic breakup. The study involved 28 participants who experienced symptoms of PTSD related to a recent breakup and received four weekly sessions of cognitive restructuring therapy. The results showed that the therapy group had significant reductions in PTSD symptoms and improvements in overall functioning and well-being, compared to a control group of individuals who did not receive therapy.

These studies suggest that cognitive restructuring can be an effective tool for supporting individuals experiencing mental pain from a romantic breakup or end of a romantic relationship. It's important to note that the effectiveness of cognitive restructuring may vary depending on you and factors such as the severity of symptoms and the specific techniques used in therapy. It's always a good idea to seek the support of a mental health professional who can help tailor therapy to your specific needs and circumstances!

Note: Learning - The process of cognitive restructuring involves learning new ways of thinking and behaving. Learning is associated with the release of dopamine and serotonin, which can strengthen the neural pathways involved in the acquisition of new skills or knowledge.

Note: Stress Reduction - Chronic stress can negatively impact the brain's ability to create new neural pathways. However, engaging in cognitive restructuring can help reduce stress levels, which may in turn facilitate the release of dopamine and serotonin and the creation of new neural pathways.

How do you stop yourself from wanting to reach out to your ex all the time?

There are so many reasons why this seems like the right thing to do, especially in the moment. Any contact with your ex feels like a good thing. You almost don't care if it's good or bad, you just want them to know that you're still there and every interaction is a way for you to make or help them remember things were better when you were together. The other reason is the fear that they will forget or that they will move on without you because you didn't make the effort to show them you still love them, regardless of whatever reason led to the breakup in the first place.

Sounds crazy when you say it out loud, right!?! We know. But this is all pretty natural and exactly why you're here. The way forward may seem like common sense, however, hearing and seeing that these "common sense actions" will help, is sometimes exactly what's needed to stick with it.

These are some common struggles and barriers you could be going through during a breakup and these methods and tactics can be used to successfully overcome them.

Here are some ideas and suggestions to make it easier:

1. Set boundaries for yourself

‍One of the best ways to limit your interactions with your ex-partner is to set clear boundaries for yourself. This might mean limiting the amount of time you spend talking to them, avoiding certain topics of conversation, or refraining from reaching out to them unless it's absolutely necessary.

2. Find new ways to occupy your time

‍Sometimes, the reason we can't stop thinking about our ex-partner is that we have too much free time on our hands. Ugh!!! You really need to try and do something, anything... There's definitely some new hobby, activity, or interest that can distract you from thoughts of your ex and give you something else to focus on! What is it?

3. Seek support from friends and family

‍Talking to friends and family about your feelings can be super helpful. They should be a safe place for you to process your emotions and get the backup to move past the breakup. Surrounding yourself with people who care about you boosts your confidence and self-esteem, and honestly just feels good!

4. Consider seeking professional help

‍If you're struggling to move on from your ex-partner, it might be helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor. you can provide you with additional support and guidance on how to cope with your feelings and move forward in a healthy way.

Positive Reappraisal Coping Strategies

Positive reappraisal coping strategies involve finding positive meaning or understanding in a difficult situation. In the context of a breakup, this might involve reframing the situation in a more positive light or focusing on personal growth and learning from the experience. These are some examples of what we mean:

• ‍Reframe the situation: Instead of dwelling on the negative aspects of the breakup, try to find a positive angle. For example, you might remind yourself that the relationship was a learning experience, that you grew as a person, or that the breakup allowed you to focus on other aspects of your life.
• ‍Practice gratitude: Make a list of things you're grateful for in your life, such as your health, your friendships, or your job. Focusing on the positive aspects of your life can help shift your perspective and improve your mood.
• ‍Find meaning: Reflect on the breakup and try to find a deeper meaning or purpose in the experience. Perhaps the breakup helped you realize what you're looking for in a relationship or taught you important lessons about yourself.
• ‍Cultivate a positive mindset: Focus on positive self-talk and affirmations, and try to reframe negative thoughts in a more positive light. For example, instead of saying "I'll never find love again," try saying "I'm excited to see what opportunities and experiences the future holds."

Types of Therapy and Therapeutic Coping Techniques

Suffering from breakup pain doesn’t have to be as intense or last so long. If you can understand the psychology behind your own feelings and what you can do to manage the effects of your heart and mind after a breakup, you can shorten recovery significantly!

• ‍Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT is a form of therapy that focuses on identifying and changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. It can be helpful for individuals experiencing negative thoughts and emotions related to the breakup.
• ‍Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR): MBSR is a mindfulness-based therapy that can help you develop skills to manage stress, anxiety, and negative emotions. It can be helpful for individuals experiencing overwhelming emotions related to the breakup.
• ‍Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): ACT is a form of therapy that focuses on acceptance of difficult emotions and values-based actions. It can be helpful for individuals struggling to come to terms with the end of the relationship and move forward.
• ‍Interpersonal Therapy (IPT): IPT is a form of therapy that focuses on improving relationships and interpersonal communication. It can be helpful for individuals experiencing relationship difficulties, including the aftermath of a breakup.
• ‍Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT): EFT is a form of therapy that focuses on helping you identify and express your emotions in a healthy way. It can be helpful for individuals struggling to process your emotions related to the breakup.

‍The Impact of Communication on Post-Breakup Healing - ‍Accepting the End of a Relationship Could Actually Help Get it Back

Did you ever think that by trying so hard to get back together with your ex-partner you could actually end up pushing them further away? And then, as soon as you stop trying to get back together, your ex-partner starts showing interest and wants to communicate and interact again. Why do you think this happens?

One possible explanation is that when you’re actively pursuing your ex, it can come across as desperate or needy, which can seem unattractive to them. This could make your ex feel uncomfortable and it might even make them want to distance themselves even further from you.

The rationale here is that when someone is pushing or “throwing themselves” at you, it can create a sense of pressure or obligation that most people would like to avoid. It’s like they’re being forced into a decision, and more often than not, that decision will be to avoid any feelings of pressure or awkwardness.

On the other hand, when you stop pursuing your ex, the perception can change. You definitely won’t look desperate and needy, if anything, you’re demonstrating an air of independence and self-assuredness that is much more attractive! When your ex isn’t feeling pressured to get back together and has time to miss your relationship (it’s not just you that has the “missing things” feeling), they are much more inclined to talk or interact because it’s their decision and they don’t feel forced.

Another positive is that, when you stop trying to get back together with your ex-partner, you’re able to focus on yourself and your own happiness! It's likely you find this attractive in others, so it makes sense that it also makes you more attractive too! Then there's that power that comes along with independence. Your ex will definitely notice it and, if there is a chance they’re not quite over you, they may start to worry they made the wrong decision about letting you go!

Ultimately, every situation is different though, and there could be a bunch of reasons why your ex might become more interested in talking again, but wouldn’t it be better not go out of your way to make it less likely…?

Now, no one ever said it would just be as simple as saying, “I know I shouldn’t try talking to them so I’ll just stop.” Easy right? We all know that's not true and if you’ve ever been a breakup-ee with a huge hole in your chest where your heart used to be, you know what we’re talking about. It’s really difficult to go cold turkey and stop trying to see or talk to them. Even if, in your mind, you know it’s your best chance to get them back! 

‍Focus on yourself and stop worrying about what your ex is thinking or doing - How to Move On After a Breakup: Effective Techniques to Combat Hesitation

Worrying about what your ex is doing and who they may be with is counter productive to your healing after a breakup. 

Breakups are never easy, and it's natural to feel a range of emotions after a relationship ends. While it may be tempting to keep tabs on your ex and obsess over what they're doing, it's important to remember that focusing on yourself is much more effective for healing after a breakup. In this next section, we'll discuss why focusing on oneself after a breakup is a much more effective use of your time and how to stop wasting it worrying about what your ex may be doing.

Negative Effects of Worrying About Your Ex

Worrying about your ex after a breakup is a drain on all your energy and emotion. It can increase your stress levels and lead to anxiety and depression. It can negatively affect your self-esteem, making it difficult to move on and find happiness. It prolongs the healing process, preventing you from fully processing and moving on from your breakup. And finally, it can hinder you from finding new opportunities and experiences, as you may be too preoccupied with your ex's life to focus on your own.

• ‍Increase in Stress Levels: When you're constantly checking your social media or asking mutual friends about them, it can create a sense of anxiety and unease. This stress can affect your physical health, as well as your mental health, leading to feelings of exhaustion and burnout.
• ‍Negatively Affects Self-Esteem: Worrying about your ex can create feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, and rejection, leading to a lack of confidence and self-worth. You may begin to question why the relationship ended and blame yourself for the breakup. This can be damaging to your mental health and make it harder to move on.
• ‍Prolongs Healing Process: Instead of focusing on yourself and your own healing, you may be stuck in a cycle of rumination and negative thoughts. This can prevent you from fully processing the breakup and moving forward with your life.
• ‍Hinders Moving on and Finding Happiness: If you can't stop checking your social media or asking mutual friends about them, you may be holding onto the past and preventing yourself from fully embracing the present. This prevents you from finding new opportunities, meeting new people, and creating new experiences. You need to focus on yourself after a breakup and trust that everything will fall into place in due time.

Just to highlight those post breakup goals again!

• ‍Self-Discovery: This is your opportunity to rediscover who you are as an individual, explore your interests, and set new goals. It can be a time to re-evaluate your values and priorities, and figure out what you want in life. By taking the time to focus on yourself, you can gain a deeper understanding of who you are at this point in your life and what you want out of it moving forward.
• ‍Self-Esteem: By taking care of yourself, practicing self-love, and engaging in activities that bring you joy, you can boost your confidence and self-worth. When you prioritize yourself and your needs, you're sending a message to yourself that you're valuable and deserving of love and happiness.
• ‍Promotes Healing and Closure: Taking the time to process your emotions, reflect on the relationship, and practice self-care, you can work through your feelings and come to terms with the end of the relationship. This can help you let go of any lingering emotions or attachments and move on with your life.
• ‍Opens Doors to New Opportunities: Take time to explore new hobbies and interests! You may discover new passions or meet new people who share your interests. You may also find new career opportunities or travel to new places. By focusing on yourself and your own growth, you're creating opportunities for a happier and more fulfilling life.

It's natural to feel concerned or distracted about what your ex is doing after a breakup, but try not to give into it too much. Make them worry about how happy you are now and all the good things now coming into your life!

Are these thoughts about your ex preoccupying your mind?

Are you worried...

• What your ex may be doing without you?
• How your ex feels about you?
• Your ex isn't sad not having you around?
• Your ex is happy without you around?
• Your ex could be moving on with someone else?
• Your ex could be badmouthing you to others?
• Your ex is making new memories with someone else and forgetting about your shared memories?
• You will never be able to find someone who understands and loves you as much as your ex did?

STOP!!!! It's important to recognize that these fears are normal, but that it's also important to recognize almost all of your concerns are amplified a 100 fold because you really don't know the answer and it's natural to go worst case scenario mode in these situations. Use the tips in this article for managing these fears and bring everything down a few notches. Your best defense is a confident and successful you.

My ex broke up with me and it has now been three days since we've spoken. Should I be the first one to break the silence? Will this help or hurt us potentially getting back together considering my ex is the one that left me?

It's understandable to feel the urge to reach out to your ex after a few days of silence, but it's important to take some time to reflect on your motivations for doing so.

But, I Want To Get Back Together With My Ex!

If your goal is to potentially get back together with your ex, it's important to consider whether reaching out will help or hurt that possibility. In some cases, reaching out too soon after a breakup can make things worse and potentially push your ex further away.

It's also important to consider whether your ex is ready to talk or not. If your ex initiated the breakup and has not reached out to you since, it's possible that they need some time and space to process their own emotions and thoughts. Respect their boundaries and give them the space they need to heal. They had their own reasons for separating in the first place.

Ultimately, whether or not to break the silence is a personal decision that depends on your own unique situation. If you do choose to reach out, it's important to be mindful of your tone and approach, and avoid placing blame or pressuring your ex into talking if you're not ready.

Consider waiting a little longer to see if your ex reaches out first, and in the meantime, focus on taking care of yourself and your own healing. It's important you process your own emotions and thoughts as well.

Does it matter who breaks the silence, after a breakup?

The short answer is “No”, but…

Some studies suggest that the person who initiates the breakup may be more likely to reach out after the breakup, whereas the person who was dumped may be more likely to wait for their ex to initiate contact. Hmm, interesting…

In a 2015 study published in the journal Personal Relationships, researchers found that individuals who initiated a breakup were more likely to monitor their ex-partner on social media and to try to maintain contact with their ex after the breakup. On the other hand, individuals who were dumped were more likely to engage in "avoidance coping" strategies, such as blocking their ex on social media and avoiding places where they might run into them.

Another study published in the same journal in 2010 found that individuals who initiated a breakup were more likely to report feelings of relief and greater psychological well-being in the weeks and months following the breakup. However, they were also more likely to experience feelings of guilt and regret.

In a 2018 study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, researchers found that initiating contact with an ex-partner after a breakup can lead to greater distress and negative emotions, particularly for individuals who were on the receiving end of the breakup.

A 2017 study published in the journal Social Psychology and Personality Science found that individuals who initiated contact with their ex-partner after a breakup were more likely to have attachment anxiety, meaning they were more worried about rejection and abandonment.

Another study published in the journal Personal Relationships in 2016 found that individuals who initiated contact with their ex-partner after a breakup were more likely to report lower levels of personal growth and increased distress, particularly if their ex-partner was not receptive to the contact.

These studies suggest that initiating contact after a breakup can be a risky decision and may lead to negative outcomes, particularly if the breakup was recent and emotions are still raw. Every situation is unique though, and you may find that initiating contact is helpful for your healing and growth, though experience and studies seem to point to the opposite.

This begins the section for understanding human psychology and why certain methods, that may not feel right in the moment, actually do work! We'll also look at the different interpretation by a person receiving contact after a breakup vs the person initiating that contact.

For the person receiving the contact - they feel wanted and thought about. If they were on the fence about reaching out due to fear that their ex significant other may be thinking about moving on, or forgetting about them, then they just got the boost they needed to keep from reaching out and to know that they can continue to do their own thing because they still have you on standby. This also shows that there may be a right way and a wrong way to reach out to your ex.

This Could Be How Your Ex Reacts To Any Forceful or Aggressive Contact Attempts

Yes, we know your ex is a jerk for leaving you and breaking your heart. Why this happened is a little outside the scope of this article, but what we do want to do here is help with situations where there's a good possibility of you two getting back together. 

One of the biggest mistakes when trying to get back together is thinking if you don’t smother your ex in love and attention (or anger and threats), then they’ll either forget about you or think you don’t care and moved on, which sounds like (to you) you think they might actually move on and find someone else??? The reality is quite a bit different and we'll eventually segue into some discussion around self-confidence, self-worth, and attractiveness. But first…

If you’re able to put yourself, to some extent, in your exes shoes, it’s possible you could stop yourself from doing things based mainly on fear and emotion. Maybe? I think we should try.

Here’s some information from the "other side of the relationship" and possibly the impact or results of your actions:

• A study published in the journal Personal Relationships found that people who received unwanted contact from their ex-partners after a breakup experienced more negative emotions, such as anger and frustration, than people who did not receive unwanted contact.

• Another study published in the same journal found that people who received unwanted contact from their ex-partners after a breakup were more likely to perceive their ex-partners as emotionally unstable and desperate.

• The journal Computers in Human Behavior, found that people who received unwanted contact from their ex-partners after a breakup were more likely to block their ex-partners on social media and other communication channels.

• A 2015 study published in the journal Communication Quarterly surveyed 142 individuals who had recently ended a romantic relationship. The study found that the more individuals perceived their ex-partner to be "clingy," the more negative their emotions toward your ex-partner became.

Does this make you rethink your approach at all? Remember, sometimes the best way to get what you want is to Influence rather than Demand. 

What is unwanted contact? What does desired contact look like? How do you influence a desire (from your ex) for contact?

Let’s first look at whether or not there are signs a relationship can be saved and then we’ll get into some recommendations on how to best influence and ignite it again.  

These studies suggest that unwanted contact and constant communication from you towards your ex can be seen as intrusive and unwanted, and may cause your ex to feel negatively towards you! 

Are there indicators in a relationship that make it more likely two people could get back together after a breakup?

Yup! There are some indicators that can suggest whether a breakup may be temporary or permanent, based on whether the core values for a healthy relationship were damaged or remain intact. Here are a few examples:

Communication

‍Communication is a fundamental aspect of a healthy relationship. When two people in a relationship with a strong emotional bond communicate openly and honestly with each other, they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts, feelings, and fears, and are willing to listen and support each other without judgment.

If communication was strong and effective before the breakup, and you were both able to express your needs and feelings openly and honestly, there's a higher likelihood that your breakup could be just temporary. On the other hand, if communication was poor or there were frequent misunderstandings or conflicts, this may indicate that your relationship's core values were not aligned and that the breakup is more likely to be permanent.

Trust

‍Trust is another crucial aspect of a healthy relationship. Partners in a relationship with a strong emotional bond trust each other implicitly. They feel secure in the knowledge that they can rely on their partner to be there for them, both in good times and bad.

If you both had a strong foundation of trust before the breakup, and there were no major breaches of trust or infidelity, this may suggest that the breakup could be temporary and that you may be able to rebuild your relationship over time. However, if trust was already compromised or broken before the breakup, this could be a clear sign that the relationship's core values were damaged and that the breakup is more likely to be permanent.

Compatibility

‍Compatibility in terms of values, goals, and interests is very important for a healthy relationship. If you both were highly compatible in these areas before the breakup, this may suggest that you both have something to be thankful for and it may be possible, and worth it, to work through any superficial or transitory issues that led to the breakup. But, if there were significant incompatibilities or differences that were not addressed before the breakup, then this could be a big problem.

Empathy

‍If you and your ex were able to empathize with each other's emotions and experiences, were able to put yourselves in each other's shoes and understand one another's perspective, even if you don't necessarily agree with it, you likely had a strong emotional bond and connection. Remember though! It had to have been mutual, not just from one of you.

Shared Experiences

‍Partners in a good relationship should have shared experiences that create a sense of closeness and connection. These experiences can be anything from traveling together to experiencing major life events together, like the birth of a child or the loss of a loved one.

Intimacy

‍Two people in a healthy relationship are intimate with each other in both physical and emotional ways. You feel comfortable expressing your love and affection for each other, both verbally and physically.

There’s actually been some studies that look closely at these indicators and how they relate to relationship reconciliation

• In a 2017 study published in the journal Personal Relationships, researchers found that communication quality, relationship satisfaction, and commitment were all significant predictors of whether a breakup would be temporary or permanent. Specifically, they found that couples who had better communication quality, higher relationship satisfaction, and stronger commitment were more likely to reconcile after a breakup.

• Another study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2018 found that the strength of the emotional bond between partners was a significant predictor of whether a breakup would be temporary or permanent. The researchers found that couples who had a stronger emotional bond were more likely to reconcile after a breakup, even if there were major conflicts or issues that led to the breakup.

• In a 2016 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers found that couples who had more similarity in terms of values and personality traits were more likely to reconcile after a breakup. They also found that couples who had more positive experiences and memories of their relationship were more likely to reconcile, even if they had experienced conflicts or issues that led to the breakup.

Ultimately though, the decision to reconcile or move on should be based on careful consideration of each person’s own needs, feelings, and values.

What are your chances of getting back together with your ex?

The chances of getting back together with your ex after a breakup depends on a bunch of things, including the reason for the breakup, the length of the relationship, and the personalities of you and your ex. Let’s look a some of these:

The reason for the breakup

‍If the breakup was due to infidelity, betrayal, or abuse, it should be less likely that you should or would want to reconcile. But, if it was due to other factors such as long distance, work-related stress, or communication issues, you may have a higher chance of getting back together if you feel comfortable that these have improved. Remember actions speak louder than words!

Length of the relationship

‍The longer the relationship, the more challenging it can be to reconcile. The reason for this is that couples may have developed significant emotional baggage and may have grown apart. So, while on the surface relationship length might seem like a positive, when you have a breakup, or multiple breakups, time can sometimes be part of the problem. 

Now to be fair, we did come across one study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science that found that about 50% of couples who had broken up were able to rekindle your relationship. The study also found that the likelihood of getting back together was higher for couples who had dated for longer periods of time and who had higher levels of commitment in your relationship.

Personal growth and change

‍If you or your ex have grown and changed positively since the breakup, you may be more willing and able to work out your differences and get back together. This goes hand in hand with much of the advice in this article, personal growth, self-care that improves self-worth & self-confidence, and growth are strong attractive qualities.

Communication and willingness to work on the relationship

‍If you are both willing to work on the issues that led to the breakup and can communicate effectively, you may have a better chance of getting back together.

Ok, so how do I know if my old relationship had what it takes to try and give it another go?

Intimacy Levels and Relationship Strength

Higher levels of intimacy and commitment in a relationship generally refer to a deeper emotional connection and sense of dedication between you and your partner. Check out some of these “higher” and “lower” level commitment actions and intimacy attributes to see how your previous relationship may stack up.

Higher levels of intimacy and commitment:

1. Regularly expressing love and affection towards each other.
2. Sharing personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences with each other.
3. Being supportive of each other during difficult times.
4. Trusting each other and being open and honest.
5. Making future plans together.
6. Introducing each other to family and friends.
7. Engaging in physical intimacy and maintaining a satisfying sex life.
8. Showing respect and appreciation for each other.

Lower levels of intimacy and commitment:

1. Maintaining separate lives and not spending much time together.
2. Avoiding deep conversations or discussions about the future.
3. Having trust issues and being suspicious of each other.
4. Engaging in infidelity or other forms of betrayal.
5. Disrespecting or criticizing each other frequently.
6. Withholding affection or communication.
7. Not prioritizing the relationship or making future plans together.
8. Failing to introduce each other to family and friends.

If you think your relationship scored pretty high, and you think your ex would be in agreement, there’s absolutely a possibility that you both could work through whatever it was that caused the split and try to do better with a do-over!  We do have to reiterate that success here is dependent on you both feeling the same way.

How do I know if my ex is still open to getting back together?

This is what you want, right? So how do you know if all the space, self-care, and/or full blown No Contact is working? How do you know if your ex wants to give your relationship another go? 

Sometimes it’s pretty straightforward and they essentially come out and tell you. But, here are some other ways you will know:

They initiate contact

‍If your ex is reaching out to you, whether it's through text messages, phone calls, or social media, it could be a sign that they are still interested in being in your life and possibly repairing the relationship.

They express regret

‍If your ex-partner expresses regret about the breakup and acknowledges that they made a mistake, it could be a sign that they are interested in repairing the relationship.

They make an effort to see you

‍If they are making an effort to see you in person, whether it's to have a conversation or to spend time together, it could be a sign that they are still interested in being in a relationship with you.

What are the signs that your ex is just not interested and has decided to move on?

They’re distant

‍If your ex is avoiding contact or is not responsive to your attempts to communicate, it could be a sign that they are not interested in giving things another try.

They’re dating someone else

‍If they’re actively dating someone else, it’s a pretty clear sign that they are not interested in repairing the relationship and have moved on.

They’re not willing to discuss the relationship

‍If your ex-partner is not willing to discuss the relationship or is dismissive of your attempts to talk about it, it could be a sign that they’re not interested in trying again and you should start focusing on yourself and moving on without them.

Really, the best way to know for certain whether an ex-partner is still interested in giving things another go and working through whatever caused the rift in the first place, is to have an open and honest conversation with them.

It's important to be clear about your own feelings and intentions, and to listen to their perspective as well. Make sure you respect their boundaries and decisions, even if it’s not what you hoped for.

What are the reasons you may feel desperate to initiate contact with your ex?

Truth be told, this relationship may not actually be good for you. You may even know it deep down, but for some reason you don’t want to let go and the thought of never speaking with your ex again is too much for you to fathom.

A huge reason you may have these feelings of fear and desperation is that your mind is using negative thoughts to attack you, it’s trying to manipulate you into reaching out to your ex again because, on some level, your body thinks that is what will make everything better?!? Beware: These negative thoughts sometimes get the best of you.

A large part of your success with managing these difficult times and getting through your breakup pain is to get really good at handling these mental attacks!

A Deeper Dive on Challenging and Reframing Negative Thoughts

Challenging negative thoughts that creep up about your recently ended relationship is super important!

1. Identify the negative thought

‍Pay attention to when you find yourself thinking about the past relationship and what thoughts come to mind. Write down the negative thoughts you have about the relationship. 

2. Look for evidence

‍Challenge these negative thoughts by looking for evidence that contradicts them. For example, if you find yourself thinking "Our relationship was perfect," try to recall times when you and your ex had conflicts or disagreements.

3. Practice reframing

‍Once you've identified the negative thought and looked for evidence to challenge it, try to reframe it in a more balanced and realistic way. For example, instead of thinking "Our relationship was a failure," reframe it as "Our relationship had its ups and downs, and we ultimately decided it wasn't working."

4. Use positive self-talk

‍Replace negative self-talk with positive and encouraging statements. For example, instead of thinking "I'll never find someone as good as my ex," tell yourself "I deserve to find someone who is a good fit for me."

5. Practice gratitude

‍Focus on the positive aspects of your life and express gratitude for the things you have. This can help shift your focus away from the negative thoughts and emotions associated with the past relationship.

Much of this sequence of negative thought identification, challenging, and reframing is instrumental in Breakup Recovery Journal exercises that support, strengthen, and keep you on the track of recovery.

Reframing negative thoughts takes practice and patience as you develop your coping skills. Here’re a few more examples of negative thought reframing and challenges to really help you understand!

Negative Thought Reframing

• Negative thought: "I'll never find anyone who understands me like my ex did." Reframed thought: "While my ex understood me in some ways, there are other people out there who could also understand and appreciate me for who I am."
• Negative thought: "I'll never be able to move on from this breakup." Reframed thought: "It's normal to feel sad after a breakup, but with time and effort, I can heal and move forward."
• Negative thought: "I'm a failure for not being able to make the relationship work." Reframed thought: "Relationships are complex and take effort from both partners. It's not just my responsibility to make it work."
• Negative thought: "I'll never have a connection with anyone else like I had with my ex." Reframed thought: "While my connection with my ex was special, there are other people out there who I can also connect with on a deep level."
• Negative thought: "I wasted so much time on a relationship that didn't work out." Reframed thought: "Even though the relationship didn't work out, I learned a lot about myself and what I want in a partner."

Negative Thought Challenges

• Negative thought: "I'll never be happy again without my ex." Challenge: Ask yourself, "Is this thought true?" Think back to times in the past when you were happy without your ex. Remind yourself that your happiness doesn't solely depend on your relationship status.
• Negative thought: "I'll never find someone as attractive/funny/intelligent as my ex." Challenge: Ask yourself, "Is this thought accurate?" Challenge the assumption that there is only one person in the world who possesses the qualities you admire in your ex. Remember that everyone has unique qualities and characteristics that make them special.
• Negative thought: "I'll never be able to trust anyone again." Challenge: Ask yourself, "Is this thought helpful?" Recognize that this thought is likely coming from a place of hurt and may not be an accurate reflection of your ability to trust in the future. Instead, focus on rebuilding your trust in yourself and your ability to make good choices.
• Negative thought: "I'll never get over this pain." Challenge: Ask yourself, "Is this thought helpful?" Recognize that while it's normal to feel pain after a breakup, it's not healthy to dwell on it or allow it to consume you. Focus on self-care and activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.
• Negative thought: "I'm not good enough for anyone else." Challenge: Ask yourself, "Is this thought fair?" Recognize that this thought is likely coming from a place of low self-esteem and may not be accurate. Focus on building your self-confidence and acknowledging your own worth and value as a person.

Try writing down your negative thoughts and reframing or challenging them into more balanced statements. With time and effort, you can begin to shift your focus away from painful memories and toward a more positive and hopeful future.

Finally, here are some additional negative thought challenge questions that can be helpful to overcome breakup memory pain: They are similar to the ones above, but offer a different spin to capture a variation in feelings and thoughts that you could possibly be thinking.

• "I'll never find anyone else like my ex." Challenge: Ask yourself, "Is this thought based on fact or fear?" It's common to fear the unknown, but remember that there are billions of people in the world and you are capable of finding love and connection with someone else.
• "I'm not lovable because my ex left me." Challenge: Ask yourself, "Is this thought accurate?" Your ex leaving you doesn't define your worth as a person. Remember that everyone experiences rejection and heartbreak at some point in their lives, and it doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
• "I'll never be able to trust anyone again." Challenge: Ask yourself, "Is this thought fair to future potential partners?" Recognize that it's unfair to generalize all future partners as untrustworthy based on the actions of one person. Each person is different and deserves a chance to prove themselves.
• "I'll never be able to let go of the memories of my ex." Challenge: Ask yourself, "Is holding onto these memories helpful or harmful?" While it's natural to reminisce about the past, holding onto painful memories can prevent you from moving forward. Instead, focus on creating new positive memories and experiences.
• "I'm not strong enough to get through this breakup." Challenge: Ask yourself, "Is this thought accurate?" Remember that you have the strength and resilience to overcome challenges and difficulties. Focus on self-care and seeking support from loved ones to help you through this tough time.

When those painful thoughts pop into your head, forcing you to feel or act in a way that really isn’t good or healthy for you, please put that thought through these filter questions:

1. What evidence do I have to support this thought?
2. Is this thought helpful or harmful to me?
3. Am I making assumptions or jumping to conclusions about the situation?
4. Is this thought based on facts or just my emotions?
5. Am I focusing only on the negative aspects of the relationship and ignoring the positive ones?
6. Is this thought based on something that happened in the past or is it relevant to my current situation?
7. What would a friend or loved one say to me about this thought?
8. Is there another way to interpret the situation that doesn't involve this negative thought?
9. Am I catastrophizing or thinking in absolutes?
10. What are some other possible explanations for what happened?

What Are “Automatic” Negative Thoughts?

Automatic negative thoughts look something like this:

All-or-nothing thinking

‍This is a type of black-and-white thinking where you view situations in extremes, such as "I always fail" or "I never get anything right." To identify this type of thinking, you should pay attention to statements that contain absolute terms like "always," "never," "every," or "nothing."

Catastrophizing

‍This is when you anticipate the worst-case scenario and assume that things will turn out badly, even if there is no evidence to support this. Pay attention to statements that contain words like "disaster," "catastrophe," "worst," or "terrible."

Mind reading

‍This is when you assume you know what others are thinking or feeling, without any evidence to support this. To identify this type of thinking, you should be aware of statements that contain assumptions about others' thoughts or feelings, such as "you must think I'm stupid" or "you probably hate me."

Negative self-talk

‍This is when you criticize or put yourself down, often without any evidence to support these negative beliefs. To identify this type of thinking, look out for statements that contain self-criticism or self-blame, such as "I'm so stupid" or "I always mess things up."

Overgeneralization

‍This is when you make broad, sweeping conclusions based on a single event or experience. To identify this type of thinking, pay attention to statements that contain words like "always," "never," or "every," and ask themselves if these statements are truly accurate.

By becoming aware of automatic negative thoughts and identifying the patterns in which they occur, you can begin to challenge and replace them with more positive and realistic thoughts. This can help to improve your emotional well-being and reduce feelings of distress and anxiety.

Challenging Negative Thoughts Continued…

Evidence

‍Ask yourself what evidence you have to support the negative thought. Is there evidence to the contrary? For example, if you think "I'm never going to be able to get through this," you can challenge that thought by asking, "What evidence do I have that supports this thought? Is there anything that suggests I could get through this?"

Alternative explanations

‍Consider alternative explanations for the situation or event. Is there another way to view the situation that is more positive or realistic? For example, if you think "This is a disaster," you can challenge that thought by asking, "Is it really a disaster, or is it just a setback that I can learn from?"

Relevance

‍Ask yourself if the negative thought is relevant or helpful to the situation. Does it serve a purpose, or is it just making you feel worse? For example, if you think "I'm never going to be good enough," you can challenge that thought by asking, "Is this thought helping me in any way, or is it just making me feel worse about myself?"

Perspective-taking

‍Try to take a step back and look at the situation from a different perspective. How would someone else view the situation? What advice would you give to a friend in the same situation? For example, if you think "I'm a failure," you can challenge that thought by asking, "Would I say the same thing to a friend who was going through this?"

Problem-solving

‍Identify specific actions you can take to address the situation or problem, rather than just dwelling on the negative thought. For example, if you think "I'm never going to be able to find a job," you can challenge that thought by brainstorming specific job-search strategies you can try.

Decatastrophizing

Here are some additional examples of how to use the technique of decatastrophizing to challenge catastrophic thinking:

• ‍Reality testing: Ask yourself if the catastrophic outcome you fear is actually likely to happen. Is there evidence to support this outcome, or is it just your imagination running wild? For example, if you fear that you will fail an exam and never graduate, you can challenge that thought by asking, "Is it really likely that I will fail the exam and never graduate, or is that just my fear talking?"

• ‍Best-case scenario: Consider the best-case scenario for the situation. Is it possible that things could turn out better than you expect? For example, if you fear that you will be rejected by someone you're interested in, you can challenge that thought by considering the possibility that they may actually be interested in you.

• ‍Coping strategies: Identify specific coping strategies that you can use to manage the situation or problem, even if the catastrophic outcome you fear does come to pass. For example, if you fear losing your job, you can challenge that thought by brainstorming specific steps you could take to find a new job or manage your finances in the event of a job loss.

• ‍Historical evidence: Consider past experiences where you faced a similar situation or problem and how you coped with it. Is there evidence to suggest that you are capable of handling the situation, even if it feels overwhelming? For example, if you fear public speaking, you can challenge that thought by reminding yourself of times when you have successfully given presentations or speeches in the past.

• ‍Probability estimates: Try to estimate the actual probability of the catastrophic outcome occurring, based on the available evidence. Is it more or less likely than you initially thought? For example, if you fear contracting a serious illness, you can challenge that thought by researching the actual statistics of contracting that illness and comparing them to other risks in your life.

By using the technique of decatastrophizing to challenge catastrophic thinking, you can begin to shift your focus away from worst-case scenarios and towards more realistic and manageable outcomes. This can help to reduce anxiety, improve mood, and promote more effective problem-solving.

Since we’re discussing the need to gain control over your thoughts, it’s logical we should also discuss control of your actions. 

One of the most difficult things, as we’ve discussed, is creating an appropriate amount of separation between you and your ex during this fragile stage. And one of the most common reasons or excuses you may give yourself to break the silence is that desire for closure.

Closure After a Breakup - You Don’t Need It to Feel Better

How important is the feeling of closure after a romantic breakup? Is it really necessary in order to move on with your life?

Needing closure after a breakup can help some people make sense of why this is happening, but it’s not really necessary to move on. ‍

If people are being honest, a big reason to “understand” the reason behind a breakup is really just to try and figure out how to fix it or stop the breakup from continuing.

Unfortunately, if your ex partner’s mind is made up, there’s typically not much you can do to reverse the situation.

The best thing you can do, to make them miss you, is to move on, take care of yourself, and give them an opportunity to miss you!

More on this later though...

Everyone has their own unique way of coping with the end of a relationship, and there is no right or wrong way to do so. If closure is important to you, it may be helpful to talk with your ex about the reasons for the breakup, and any lingering questions or concerns you may have. 

Since this is such a common need for many people, let’s dig into what “closure after a breakup” is, why it's not always necessary, and why you can't always expect to get it from your ex. We'll also provide some alternative ways to find closure and move on after a breakup. 

Whether you're currently going through a breakup or you're helping a friend who is, this will provide you with some helpful insights and coping strategies to navigate this difficult time.

What is “Closure” in a relationship?

Closure is a psychological concept that refers to the process of coming to terms with the end of a significant relationship. It involves a sense of resolution, understanding, and acceptance of the circumstances surrounding the breakup. While closure can be facilitated by external factors, such as communication with your ex-partner, it ultimately comes from within.

Going through a breakup with someone you love is never easy. Whether you were the one who ended things or you were the one who was left behind, it's normal to feel a sense of loss, confusion, and sadness. 

In the aftermath of the breakup, you may seek closure as a way to gain a sense of resolution, understanding, and acceptance of what happened. But we’re telling you, closure is not always necessary, and in some cases, may be impossible to get it from your ex-partner.

Why closure is not always necessary or possible

Some experts argue that the pursuit of closure can actually be harmful if it becomes an obsession or prevents individuals from moving forward.

Here are some reasons why closure may not be necessary or even possible:

1. Some relationships don't have clear endings

‍Not all relationships end with a clear cut-off point, such as a breakup conversation or event. In some cases, relationships may fizzle out over time, or one partner may simply stop communicating without explanation.

2. Closure may not bring the expected relief

‍Even if you're able to talk with your ex and get “some” closure, it may not necessarily bring the expected relief or sense of resolution. It’s possible answers you get may lead to more questions or unresolved feelings.

3. Your ex may not be ready or willing to communicate

‍Your ex may not be in the same emotional space as you and may not be ready or want to communicate about the breakup. Respect their boundaries and understand that their ability or willingness to give you what you’re looking for may not be as important to them right now as it is to you..

4. Your ex may have a different perspective

‍Even if you're able to communicate with your ex, they may have a different perspective on the relationship and the breakup. This can lead to conflicting explanations and interpretations of what happened, which may not provide the closure you’re hoping for and potentially make you feel worse.

Internal closure is possible

‍While closure from your ex can be helpful, you should also find closure within yourself through self-reflection, acceptance, and personal growth.

‍Focusing on “you” and your needs and goals, can move you towards a sense of emotional closure that is stronger and more lasting than anything you can get from someone else.

‍

Trying to get back together

Now all this being said we’re going to be realistic here. While we do believe strongly that a serious look at the relationship is needed, we also acknowledge the fact that many people really want to get back together with their ex. ...and for maybe half of people, this is a viable option.

So let’s take a look at this “goal of getting back together” and see how best to approach it and what will improve your chances of being successful! We'll run through some exercises and build off of previously presented information in order to reinforce the methods and rationale.

You've decided you'd love another opportunity to work together with your ex-partner and give the relationship another go.

The best way to succeed and get what you want is to first calm any and all reactionary thoughts and fearful emotions in order to see the big picture.

We’ve already discussed how and why your mind and body have been attacking you. Very similar to symptoms associated with addiction and withdrawal.

Remember how love, joy, and happy times with your ex-partner was a big dopamine release...?

We talked about how your body is going to use Heartbreak as a way to make you bring back the things that gave you those good feelings before, by flashing all those good times in your mind for you to relive again and again, remember???

This is why we focused on all that hard work you need to put in up front and the need to fight this negative feedback loop. That need to build new positive neural pathways as a way to cope and overwrite the painful old memories.

This is by no means an attempt to dissuade you from reconciliation (I've done it successfully).

On the contrary, we believe the best way to get that person back, is to get yourself back first.‍

Let's try an exercise below that will help create a more accurate picture of your former relationship and balance out that idealized picture your "love withdrawn mind" is creating. We want you to focus on a more realistic representation of the recent time you spent together with your ex.

No relationship is perfect, and chances are, if there was a breakup there were parts that you were unhappy with or wish were different.

Again, this is just an exercise to begin the work of healing with a more clear and balanced mind, which in turn will help to heal so much more quickly.

EXERCISE 1

List the things that your ex-partner did , or did not do, that:

• Made your relationship a struggle at times
• Made you sad or angry
• Made you question if this relationship was healthy

EXERCISE 2

Complete the following:

• What does a good and loving "forever" relationship look like to you?
• If you can, pretend you are sending this description, love letter, out into the world, to be received by the “right” person.
• Otherwise, imagine this is for your ex to help them understand your feelings and needs.

EXERCISE 3

Complete the following:

• What do you believe are the things you are doing that are pushing your ex-partner further away from you?
• What do you believe are the things you are doing that are making it more difficult to regain control over your heart, mind, and inner peace.

What we’re trying to demonstrate with these exercises is that when you take a minute to answer a specific question about your relationship, we want you to look at things a bit more objectively, even if just for a moment. If you answer things honestly, you’ll have a more realistic documented picture of your old relationship and partner that you can refer back to during those times your mind is getting the best of you.

Things won't be easy, but there are ways to make it less difficult.

‍We know you can do this!

There is no guarantee when trying to win back love, but one thing's for sure… Reclaiming your inner peace and strengthening your own image and self-worth, is the most important step towards success.

Here is ONE of the key struggles you may deal with when it comes to shutting down contact with your ex, especially when your real goal is wanting to get back together...

Let's assume for a second that it was your ex-partner that was either unsure about how they felt, that they were not as committed to the relationship as you, or they pulled away / became less loving and more distant in the last few months. 

We’d guess that this change in them probably caused you to go on high alert and work even harder to make time together...?

And there’s also a good chance your extra attention and, ok… neediness, had the opposite intended effect. Frustrations grew, albeit for different reasons, on both sides.

Then comes the big blow up. Tempers flare, those frustrations get the best of you and… you split. 

During this whole time you get a feeling that this was what your ex wanted to happen…?

Now comes the "What Happens Next?" 

Was this your first breakup? Third? It may make a little difference, but what to do next is the same regardless - in order to fix things, you need to first focus on yourself and stop making up for the emotional (and maybe physical - think self-care) inequity that’s probably been your reality these last few months.

Did your ex want space? Time? Were you feeling less important and less of a priority?

It's now their responsibility to close the gap or the space between the two of you. You kind of need to trust that there’s still something between the two of you and that you're both having similar feelings and memories. You need to also trust that, by giving them the space to realize this, they'll have a minute to miss you.

This is hard. We get what the struggle is - you love this person and don't want to lose them in your life. The reality is, these are just YOUR wants. You may want them to be your ex's wants as well, but you can't make them want anything. What they want is their decision.

But now you're worrying... “What will happen if I don't reach out? What if they think my silence means I don't want them anymore and that I've moved on?"

What if they take this to mean they should move on too???

It's so easy to go down this rabbit hole where you do all the thinking for the both of you. If they’re the one that pulled or pushed away, then it's their responsibility to make the effort.

If it turns out your ex happens to be with someone else after 2,3, ...10 days, then they really don't care about the relationship and what they lost. If this is the case, you shouldn't lose any more emotional energy over the breakup. If they never reach out to you or answer any of your "appropriate" efforts to communicate, then they have likely moved on, ...and you should too!

Your self-worth and self-respect is so much more important. Taking a stand demonstrates independence, confidence, and strength.

‍And do you know what independence, confidence, and strength have in common...?

They are all common attributes that people look for and find attractive in others! Throw in fun and a sense of humor and you'll be a magnet for people looking for a healthy relationship.

So be attractive. Be attractive to your ex - whether things work out or not. But, most importantly, be attractive to others! Trust when we say this is key to filling that emptiness you’re feeling and drawing others, potentially your ex-partner, to you.

Will this make your ex jealous or angry? Who cares! They have the opportunity to try and get you back if they choose.

If they choose not to, then that’s your answer. And you’ll thank yourself for not wasting more time on someone that doesn’t deserve it. There’s always the possibility that they'll reach out and you two will have a chance to talk and see what’s what, but we’re letting you know there are also some things that you can definitely do for yourself in the meantime. 

What do you do first?

First you stay strong. By this we mean you need to give them and yourself that space we talked about. You need to demonstrate independence , confidence, and strength. This is the beginning of you renewing your inner attractiveness.

‍HOW do you stay strong?

Educate yourself on what’s to come from an emotional and heartbreak perspective, and focus on your preparation for these obstacles and challenges that are sure to come, and how to respond to them.‍

When love and emotion are involved, reason and rational thought almost always take a back seat.

Understanding yourself and what your ex may be thinking early on is the best way to get back together if that’s the goal you're working towards.

And, we’re not just talking get back together, we’re talking get back together in a way that's more healthy and equitable, for the both of you.

Because if it's just getting back into the same old situation... you may want to just end it, move on, and heal as quickly as possible.

‍Try to keep things simple and attainable. Let’s focus on your first 30 Days

Regardless of what happened - confusion, unsure about relationship, breach of trust, cheating, request for space/me time - whether you want to give it another try or you're absolutely done with this person, you miss them, but you know deep down you aren't good for you...

The first week is very similar whether you want to get back together or not.

The only exception is physical or mental abuse - shut it down, get away, get help.

‍Day 1 is Critical.

Take a 24 hour break. No contact. Use this time to connect with your support system. Friends and Family.

Understand what is going on and what to do by reading up on what you're currently going through and what's to come (which is what you’re doing now).

Things to be ready for:

Your ex doesn't text or call you after they left

• You may be tempted to call or text, hoping to get some understanding of what happened, closure, or even an opportunity to reconnect
• You're wondering why your ex-partner isn't calling or texting
• The thought that they aren't calling or texting because you think they really don't love you anymore or they don't miss you and want to try, becomes almost too much for you to bear.
• You may want to swing by their house or favorite hangout to see if they're with someone else or find out what they're doing.

Try to imagine what would happen and how you would feel if you gave in to any of these impulses...

Remember this is essentially withdrawal.

It’s only been 72 hours or less. It actually makes it easier if there's no contact. Try to control your emotion and the thoughts in your mind.

Like we mentioned earlier in the article, it’s important to start to balance out the reality of the true situation and not just the picture your mind and broken heart have been creating.

These are more of the difficult moments you may find yourself going through and some suggestions on what to do about them:

When this happens: You may picture your ex and hear his/her voice in your head constantly.

‍Try this: Distract yourself. Work through some of the exercises in a good breakup journal or even just the ones we’ve posed in this article. Go back and read what you've written already to maintain a balanced and realistic perspective.

When this happens: You may spend excessive amounts of time trying to figure out what went wrong or why it ended.

‍Try this: Complete some Self-Worth Exercises

When this happens: You may try to think of ways to get your ex-partner back and fix things. You're certain you can do this if you just have a chance to get together or talk to them.

‍Try this: You're in ownership-mode and chances are, you've always been the one to give in or try to fix things. Stop. This is not your job anymore and it never should have been to begin with.

When this happens: You may keep thinking of reasons, any reason, to interact with your ex-partner.

‍Try this: Just know that trying to force this is the kiss of death. Ever heard of the saying, "you want what you can't have"? Cliché, unfair, but also true. This still gives your ex-partner the power, and the positive reinforcement you need. It also will make you feel worse after trying to score this fix. Keep the power over yourself.

When this happens: You may picture your ex-partner moving on and being with someone else.

‍Try this: This is what you need to be doing by the way, and if your ex-partner already is, then why give them anymore power.

When this happens: You may hope that your ex-partner is miserable and regretting not being with you.

‍Try this: Get the power back and make recovery about YOU, not them.

When this happens: You may find yourself checking for text messages or wanting to text your ex-partner constantly. Or When this happens: You may constantly scroll through old pictures and texts. Or When this happens: You may keep checking social media to see what your ex-partner is doing.

‍Try this: These last three are all just band-aids. You really need to tear it off and make these things more difficult. Create some obstacles to help "say no" and so that you don't get sucked in. It may hurt and feel like throwing away memories, but you need to delete pictures, texts, and contact info (all of it!). If your relationship gets a second chance, you can take NEW pictures and make NEW memories. Go through "30 Day Breakup Recovery Guide" and check out Day 1: "What to do and why?"

Quick Question: Guess what some of the best things you can do to increase your level of attractiveness, AND  give you strength to make better decisions for yourself after a breakup?

Answer: Make sure your Self-Worth, Self-Esteem, and Self-Confidence are in peak condition!

Let’s start with some sciencey stuff o prove it, check it out:

• A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who had higher self-esteem were more likely to have positive relationship outcomes, such as greater satisfaction and commitment, less conflict, and fewer breakups.

• Another study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people who had high self-esteem and a positive self-concept were more likely to initiate romantic relationships, maintain them, and experience greater satisfaction in those relationships.

• A meta-analysis of studies examining the relationship between self-esteem and romantic relationships found that self-esteem was positively related to several relationship outcomes, including relationship satisfaction, commitment, and stability.

• A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that individuals with higher self-esteem reported more supportive and positive behaviors in their relationships, such as expressing love and appreciation, and were less likely to engage in negative behaviors such as criticism and conflict.

How might a breakup impact or affect your feelings of self-worth in a relationship?

Breakups can have a significant impact on your feelings of self-worth in relationships. When a relationship ends, you can very easily begin to question your self-worth and feel like you’re not good enough for your partner, or anyone else for that matter. This can lead to feelings of rejection, hurt, and disappointment, and can also trigger negative self-talk and self-doubt (remember these?).

In some cases, a breakup can even reinforce negative beliefs that you may have about yourself, such as "I'm not lovable" or "I'm not good enough." This can be particularly challenging if a person has a history of low self-esteem or has experienced past rejections or betrayals in relationships.

Remember though, a breakup doesn't necessarily reflect on your worth or value as an individual. Relationships can end for a variety of reasons, including factors outside of your control, such as timing or compatibility. It's important to work on separating the end of your relationship from your self-worth and to focus on building resilience and self-compassion in the aftermath of everything.

In fact, going through a breakup can also provide an opportunity for personal growth and self-reflection. It can be a time to reassess your values and priorities in relationships, and to work on building self-esteem and self-confidence. By focusing on personal growth and self-improvement, you can develop a stronger sense of self-worth and become better prepared for future relationships!

How is your Self-Confidence directly linked to your Level of Attractiveness?

When it comes to romantic relationships, self-confidence can play a crucial role in attracting and keeping potential partners. Self-confidence is defined as a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgment, and it can greatly enhance one's ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. 

Let’s take a look at the role of self-confidence in romantic relationships, and discuss strategies for building and maintaining self-confidence.

The Role of Self-Confidence and Self-Worth in Attracting Potential Partners

Self-confidence can make you more attractive to potential partners in a number of ways. 

• Self-confident individuals tend to have better posture and body language, which can signal to others that you are comfortable in your own skin.
• Self-confidence can improve your communication skills, allowing you to express yourself clearly and effectively. These traits can be particularly appealing to potential partners, as they suggest that you are self-assured and capable of maintaining a healthy relationship.
• Self-confidence can increase your likelihood of finding compatible partners. When you’re confident in yourself and your abilities, you are more likely to be selective in your choice of partners, focusing on those who are a good match for your values and goals. This can result in more fulfilling and stable relationships in the long term.
• When you value and respect yourself, you send out positive signals that attract others who share those values. In contrast, when you lack self-worth, you may struggle to attract healthy relationships or maintain them over time.
• When you have high self-worth, you tend to set boundaries and have high standards for yourself and your relationships. This can make you more attractive to potential partners who share those values as well.
• If you lack self-worth, you may tolerate mistreatment or settle for less than you deserve in a relationship. For example, someone with high self-worth may be willing to walk away from a relationship that doesn't meet their needs, whereas someone with low self-worth may stay in an unhealthy relationship out of fear of being alone or not finding someone else.

The Impact of Self-Confidence and Self-Worth on Maintaining Romantic Relationships

Self-confidence can also have a significant impact on the success of romantic relationships.

• When you are self-confident, you tend to be more satisfied with your relationships, as you are less likely to feel insecure or dependent on your partner for validation.
• You are also better equipped to handle conflict, as you’re less likely to become defensive or aggressive in response to disagreements.
• When you are self-confident, you’re more likely to maintain your own identity within your relationship, which can be essential for long-term happiness.
• When you have a strong sense of self, you are better able to communicate your needs and desires to your partner, and are less likely to become enmeshed or dependent on your relationship for your self-worth.
• Self-worth is essential for building and maintaining healthy relationships. When we value and respect ourselves, we are more likely to communicate effectively and assert our needs and boundaries. For example, someone with high self-worth is more likely to speak up when they are feeling hurt or upset and work with their partner to find a resolution. In contrast, someone with low self-worth may struggle to communicate their needs or avoid conflict altogether, which can lead to relationship problems.
• Having self-worth can also help you maintain your individual identity with your relationship. When you feel confident in yourself, you are more likely to pursue your own interests and maintain your own social connections. This can prevent you from becoming overly dependent on your partner for validation and support, which can strain the relationship.

Strategies for Building and Maintaining Self-Confidence

Fortunately, self-confidence is not an innate trait, but rather a skill that can be developed and improved over time.

One way to improve self-confidence is by focusing on self-care and self-compassion. This can involve engaging in activities that promote physical and emotional well-being, such as exercise, meditation, or therapy.

It can also involve practicing self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness and understanding, and reframing negative self-talk into more positive and affirming statements.

Overcome negative self-talk and self-doubt. This can involve challenging your own negative beliefs and replacing them with more positive and empowering beliefs.

The Connection between Self-Worth and Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions and those of others. Self-worth is closely tied to emotional intelligence, as it allows us to recognize and regulate our own emotions effectively.

When you have a healthy understanding of your own self-worth, you are more likely to be emotionally intelligent in your relationships. This can include being able to express your emotions in a healthy way, empathizing with your partner's feelings, and managing conflict effectively.

Overcoming Low Self-Worth

If you struggle with low self-worth, it's important to recognize that it is possible to overcome this obstacle. Common causes of low self-worth can include:

• Past experiences of trauma
• Negative self-talk
• Societal messages that devalue certain individuals or groups.

Overcoming low self-worth often involves seeking support from a therapist or counselor, challenging negative self-talk, and practicing self-compassion. It can also involve setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care needs.

What’s the difference between Self-Worth and Self-Confidence in a relationship?

Self-worth and self-confidence are related but distinct concepts in a relationship.

Self-worth refers to our inherent sense of value and worth as a person. It is the foundation of our self-esteem and how we view ourselves. Self-worth is often developed through our experiences and upbringing, and it affects how we see ourselves in relation to others.

As mentioned previously, Self-confidence, refers to our belief in our abilities and competencies in various areas of life. It is the belief that we are capable of achieving our goals and overcoming challenges.

In a relationship, self-worth plays a role in how we value ourselves and what we believe we deserve. It can affect how we set boundaries, what we are willing to tolerate in a relationship, and how we communicate with our partner.

Self-confidence can also impact our relationships, as it affects how we communicate and assert ourselves in the relationship. It can also influence how we approach new experiences and challenges within the relationship.

What are Attachment Styles and could your or your ex’s “Attachment Style” have played a part in your breakup? Or, why you’re having a difficult time post-breakup?

Absolutely!

Attachment styles, formed in childhood, play a significant role in shaping our relationships as adults. Our attachment style influences how we perceive and respond to intimacy, trust, and closeness in our relationships. Understanding your attachment style can help you navigate relationship challenges and improve your connections with partners, friends, and family.

Attachment styles are not set in stone though and can be managed with awareness and effort. In this article, we explore the different attachment styles, the impact they have on relationships, and ways to manage and improve them.

What are the various relationship attachment styles?

The most commonly recognized attachment styles in adult relationships are:

1.    Secure Attachment: characterized by a positive view of self and others, and a comfortable balance between intimacy and independence.

2.    Anxious Attachment: characterized by a preoccupation with the relationship and fear of abandonment, leading to clinginess and neediness.

3.    Avoidant Attachment: characterized by a fear of intimacy and a tendency to emotionally distance oneself from partners.

4.    Disorganized Attachment: characterized by a lack of a coherent strategy for dealing with intimacy and a tendency to oscillate between clinginess and avoidance.

There are also some attachment styles that are less frequently studied and recognized, and may be seen as subtypes or variations of the Anxious and Avoidant attachment styles. 

5.    Ambivalent Attachment: characterized by conflicting feelings of intimacy and independence and a preoccupation with the relationship.

6.    Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: characterized by a fear of intimacy and a simultaneous desire for closeness. This can lead to conflicts and an inability to form stable relationships.

7.    Preoccupied Attachment: characterized by a need for constant reassurance and attention from partners and a tendency to become overly involved in the relationship.

Note: Attachment styles are not absolute, and you can certainly display traits of multiple styles or exhibit different styles in different relationships. 

Are there attachment style pairings that are better or worse for relationships?

Research has shown that certain attachment styles tend to complement each other, leading to more successful relationships. A secure attachment style is generally considered the most beneficial for relationships, as it allows for a healthy balance of intimacy and independence. People with secure attachment styles are typically better at regulating your emotions and handling conflicts in a constructive manner.

Pairing a secure attachment style with an anxious or avoidant attachment style can lead to difficulties, as the anxiously attached individual may struggle with feelings of insecurity, while the avoidantly attached individual may have difficulty opening up emotionally. Relationships between two individuals with anxious or avoidant attachment styles can also be challenging, as both individuals may struggle with trust and intimacy.

It’s important to note that while certain attachment style pairings may face challenges, you are not necessarily doomed to fail. Effective communication, mutual understanding, and a willingness to work through challenges can help to build a successful relationship, regardless of attachment styles.

How do I know what my Attachment Style is?

Is there a way to identify relationship attachment styles early in the dating process?

It would be great if we all wore a sign that identified our attachment style so we either knew if we’d be compatible or, at the very least, were able to prepare for a relationship's general chemistry. While attachment style is not always obvious in the early stages of a relationship, paying attention to communication patterns and behaviors can provide clues. Here are some signs to look for:

1.    Anxiously attached individuals may be clingy, constantly seeking reassurance, and fear abandonment.

2.   Avoidantly attached individuals may be emotionally distant, avoid discussing feelings, and may hesitate to make plans that involve commitment.

3.   Securely attached individuals tend to have a healthy balance of intimacy and independence, and are generally comfortable with vulnerability and emotional openness.

How important is understanding attachment style when finding a romantic partner?

Being aware of your own and your current (or future) partner’s attachment style can provide insight into how each of you may respond to intimacy, trust, and commitment. Knowing your own attachment style can help you identify what you need and want from a relationship, and can help you recognize patterns in your relationship choices and behaviors.

People with a secure attachment style find it easier to form and maintain healthy relationships. However, for those of us with anxious or avoidant attachment styles, understanding our attachment tendencies can help us recognize and address relationship patterns that may be detrimental to the health of our relationships.

Knowing your partner's attachment style can also help you understand and manage conflicts that may arise in the relationship, and can facilitate open and honest communication about needs and expectations. Overall, understanding attachment style can provide a framework for building stronger and more fulfilling relationships.

What are the most common and least common attachment styles?

The most common attachment style among adults is Secure Attachment, followed by Anxious Attachment and Avoidant Attachment.

According to studies, approximately 60-70% of individuals have a secure attachment style, while 10-20% have an anxious attachment style and 15-20% have an avoidant attachment style.

Disorganized Attachment is considered the least common attachment style, affecting only a small percentage of individuals.

What questions can be asked to determine someone's attachment style?

Because attachment is complex and can be influenced by a variety of factors, it’s a little difficult to nail it down with just a few questions, but here are some questions that can be used to get a general sense of a person’s attachment style:

1. How do you feel when your partner is away? Do you feel anxious or uneasy when you're apart, or do you feel comfortable with independence?
2. How do you respond to conflict in your relationships? Do you tend to avoid conflict or do you engage in open and honest communication to resolve issues?
3. How comfortable are you with intimacy and vulnerability in your relationships? Do you have trouble opening up to others or do you feel comfortable sharing your feelings and thoughts?
4. What is your approach to commitment in relationships? Do you have difficulty making long-term plans or are you comfortable with the idea of settling down?

How would two different attachment styles behave together?

If you’re curious on how different attachment styles “mix and match”, here are two examples of how the different attachment styles might behave in a relationship:

1. Anxious Attachment & Secure Attachment: Person A has an anxious attachment style, characterized by a need for constant reassurance and a fear of abandonment. Person B has a secure attachment style, characterized by comfort with intimacy and a healthy balance of independence and closeness.

In this relationship, Person A might become overly dependent on Person B for emotional support and may become anxious when you are apart. Person B is likely to provide reassurance and comfort, and will also respect Person A's need for space and independence. However, Person A's anxiety and need for constant reassurance may put pressure on the relationship and create conflicts.

2. Avoidant Attachment & Anxious Attachment: Person A has an avoidant attachment style, characterized by a fear of intimacy and a tendency to avoid emotional closeness. Person B has an anxious attachment style, characterized by a need for constant reassurance and a fear of abandonment.

In this relationship, Person A may struggle with opening up to Person B and may be resistant to emotional intimacy. Person B may become overly involved in the relationship, which may create conflict and exacerbate Person A's tendency to avoid intimacy. This can lead to a cycle of emotional distance and insecurity that can be challenging for the relationship.

What can a secure attachment style do to support a partner with an avoidant or anxious attachment style?

A secure attachment style can play a crucial role in supporting their partner with an avoidant or anxious attachment style by:

1. For an avoidant partner: Provide consistent, non-judgmental emotional support and validate your feelings. Avoid pushing them to open up too quickly, as this may trigger your avoidant tendencies.

2. For an anxious partner: Reassure them of your love and commitment, and be patient with your insecurities. Encourage open communication and help them process your feelings.

3. Be empathetic and understanding: Understanding your partner's attachment style and what it means for them can go a long way in helping you to support them.

4. Foster intimacy: A secure partner can help create a safe and loving environment that allows your partner to open up and form a deeper connection.

5. Practice active listening: Pay close attention to your partner's words, emotions, and body language to better understand your needs and provide support.

6. Encourage self-reflection: Encouraging your partner to reflect on your thoughts and emotions can help them gain insight into your attachment style and work towards overcoming any negative patterns.

7. Seek therapy together: Couples therapy can be a helpful tool in addressing attachment style-related issues and fostering a more secure and healthy relationship.

A secure attachment style can be a valuable resource in supporting a partner with an avoidant or anxious attachment style. By being patient, understanding, and supportive, a secure partner can help your partner overcome negative patterns and build a more fulfilling relationship.

What are common issues with two partners both having an avoidant attachment style?

Two partners with an avoidant attachment style may face several common challenges in their relationship:

1. Difficulty forming intimacy: Avoidant individuals tend to avoid close and intimate relationships, which can make it difficult for them to form a strong bond with each other.

2. Avoidance of vulnerability: Both partners may struggle with vulnerability and opening up to each other, making it difficult to build trust and emotional intimacy.

3. Independence: Both partners may value your independence and alone time, which can lead to difficulties in balancing individual and couple time.

Difficulty with emotional expression: Avoidant couples may struggle with expressing your emotions and feelings, which can make it difficult for them to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts in the relationship.

4. Fear of abandonment: Despite avoiding intimacy, both partners may also fear being abandoned or rejected, which can lead to anxiety and insecurity in the relationship.

It's important for people with an avoidant attachment style to work on building emotional intimacy and vulnerability in their relationships, in order to form strong and fulfilling connections. Couples therapy or individual therapy can be helpful in overcoming these challenges.

What are common issues with two partners both having an anxious attachment style?

Two partners with an anxious attachment style may face several common challenges in their relationship, like:

1. Jealousy and insecurity: Anxious people tend to experience jealousy and insecurity, which can lead to constant questioning  of their partner's feelings and behaviors.

2.Need for constant reassurance: Both partners may need frequent reassurance of the other's love and commitment, which can put a strain on the relationship.

3. Fear of abandonment: Anxious individuals often have a fear of abandonment, which can lead to clinginess and difficulty letting your partner have independence.

4. Overthinking: Both partners may constantly overthink your relationship and the actions of your partner, which can lead to anxiety and stress.

5. Difficulty with trust: Anxious individuals may struggle with trust, leading to a cycle of insecurity, jealousy, and mistrust in the relationship.

It's important for people with an anxious attachment style to work on building trust and self-confidence, in order to overcome these challenges and form strong and healthy relationships!

What are common issues with two partners both having a secure attachment style?

Two partners with a secure attachment style may face few common challenges in your relationship, as secure individuals tend to have a positive view of themselves and others, and are comfortable with intimacy and vulnerability. However, even secure individuals may face the following challenges:

1. Mismatched communication styles: Both partners may have different communication styles, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts.

2. Different coping styles: Despite having a secure attachment style, both partners may have different coping styles in times of stress or conflict, leading to challenges in problem-solving and decision-making.

3. Maintaining individuality: Both partners may struggle with balancing your individual needs and desires with their commitment to the relationship.

How easy is it to learn to manage your tendency towards a particular attachment style?

Learning how to manage your attachment style is possible, but it requires self-awareness, commitment, and effort. Attachment styles can be deeply ingrained and shaped by past experiences and early childhood relationships, so it can be challenging to change them. But, with a willingness to reflect on your patterns of behavior and emotions in relationships, you can learn to identify and manage your attachment style.

Some strategies that can be help you are:

Awareness: Start by understanding your own attachment style and how it may be impacting your current and past relationships.

Therapy: Working with a therapist can help you explore the root causes of your attachment style and provide you with tools to change unhelpful patterns.

Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness and self-reflection can help you become more aware of your emotions and thoughts in the moment, allowing you to respond to them in healthier ways.

Communication: Work on open and honest communication with partners to address any insecurities or fears that may be fueling your attachment style.

Emotional regulation: Developing skills for managing emotions and regulating your own emotions can help you to respond to relationship challenges in more effective ways.

The Power of Journaling

Journaling is another effective technique for managing pain and moving on after a breakup. It can help you process your emotions, gain clarity, and identify patterns in your thinking and behavior. By writing down your thoughts and feelings, you are able to release your emotions and gain perspective on your situation.

One of the benefits of journaling is that it helps you identify negative patterns in your thinking and behavior. For example, you may notice that you have a tendency to ruminate on negative thoughts or engage in self-criticism. By identifying these patterns, you’re able to work on changing them and developing healthier thought patterns.

To start journaling, find a quiet and private space where you can write without distractions. Set aside time each day to write down your thoughts and feelings. There are no rules for journaling - you can write whatever comes to mind, whether it's a stream-of-consciousness style or a more structured approach. The important thing is to write honestly and authentically.

There are many different types of journaling that you can try, such as gratitude journaling, where you write down things you are grateful for each day, or reflective journaling, where you reflect on your day and identify areas for growth. The key is to find a style of journaling that resonates with you and helps you process your emotions.

These days, we’re not limited to just pen and paper, though it is pretty classic. There’re also digital journaling options available. Apps like Day One and Penzu allow you to journal on your phone or computer, making it easy to write down your thoughts and feelings on the go.

What’s all this behavioral therapy stuff I hear about and why would it help me get through my breakup more easily?

Getting over a breakup - Behavioral Therapy Techniques to Ease the Pain‍

What is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)?

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy or DBT was developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan in the 1980s and is a type of cognitive therapy that combines traditional cognitive-behavioral techniques with concepts from Zen Buddhism. DBT is based on the theory that some individuals have difficulty regulating their emotions due to a biological predisposition, combined with environmental factors such as invalidation or trauma. Since then, DBT has been found to be an effective treatment for a variety of mental health issues, including substance abuse disorders, eating disorders, and trauma.

Components of DBT consist of four main components: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness.

1. Mindfulness: Through DBT Mindfulness, you are taught to view all experiences as transient, allowing you to recognize that no moment is permanent and that the future will bring new experiences. This helps cultivate an attitude of acceptance, thereby reducing rumination (dwelling on those bad thoughts), judgemental thoughts, and overall distress. It also encourages you to focus on the present moment rather than worrying about what has happened or what might happen in the future.
2. Distress Tolerance: Distress tolerance is the ability to cope with intense emotions without engaging in harmful behaviors. In DBT, distress tolerance techniques are used to help you learn to tolerate distressing situations without engaging in self-destructive behaviors.
3. Emotion Regulation: Emotion regulation involves learning how to identify, understand, and manage emotions. You learn skills such as identifying and labeling emotions, increasing positive emotions, and decreasing negative emotions.
4. Interpersonal Effectiveness: Interpersonal effectiveness involves learning how to communicate effectively, set boundaries, and maintain relationships. DBT helps you learn skills such as assertiveness, active listening, and conflict resolution.

How does it differ from other therapies?

DBT differs from other therapies in its emphasis on validation and acceptance. DBT acknowledges that you may have difficulty regulating your emotions due to a variety of factors, including biological predisposition, invalidation, and trauma (hear breakup pain). DBT seeks to help you develop acceptance of your emotions and learn how to regulate them in a healthy way.

Self Care is always important, but it can be especially important after a breakup and is one of the key ways for you to fast track your recovery and take back some of the control in your life you may feel was taken from you. 

But, you can’t do this if you refuse to go out, get out of bed, or are possibly even afraid of bumping into your ex out in the real world! Sure, feeling the sadness and accepting it is part of the process, but if you get stuck there it can also become part of the problem.

Practicing self care is necessary, but can be difficult when going through a sad period or a breakup for several reasons:

1. Lack of motivation: When you’re feeling sad or going through a breakup, it can be difficult to muster the energy or motivation to engage in self care activities.
2. Emotional Overwhelm: Sadness and heartbreak can be overwhelming and all-consuming, making it difficult to focus on self care.
3. Negative self-talk: It's common to engage in negative self-talk during a breakup, which can make it difficult to focus on self care activities or view them as worthwhile.
4. Difficulty in letting go: Holding onto the relationship or the pain of a breakup can make it difficult to move forward and prioritize self care.
5. Isolation: During a breakup, one may withdraw from friends and family and feel isolated, making it difficult to seek support for self care.

It's important to remember that self care is a necessary and valuable aspect of healing and recovery, even during difficult times. It may be helpful to reach out to friends, family, or a mental health professional for support in maintaining a self care routine during a breakup.

The light at the end of the tunnel!

Technically, this light should just be you feel good in general and have a sense of inner peace, but since we’re also talking about relationships, let’s include getting to the point where you feel like you’re ready to let love in again or at the very least, put yourself out there and check out the options.

Remember, this is also part of your recovery. Not necessarily finding someone else, but being willing, able, and wanting to let someone new in again.

Dating again after a breakup

How do you find the motivation to start dating after a bad breakup?

Going through a bad breakup can be a challenging and emotional time, and finding the motivation to start dating again can seem daunting. Here are some tips that may help you though:

1. Allow yourself time to heal: It's important to give yourself time to process the breakup and heal from any emotional wounds. Rushing into a new relationship may not be the best idea as you might not be emotionally ready yet. Check!
2. Focus on self-care: Use this time to focus on yourself and your well-being. Take up a new hobby, exercise, meditate, or do anything that makes you happy and gives you a sense of purpose. Done and done.
3. Reflect on the past relationship: Reflect on what you learned from the past relationship and what you want in a future partner. This will help you to identify any red flags or deal-breakers in your future relationships. (Can you say every day since the breakup!?)
4. Socialize with friends and family: Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. This will help you feel loved and supported, and may also provide opportunities to meet new people. They’re the best.
5. Take things slow: When you feel ready to start dating again, take things slow. Don't rush into anything and make sure you are comfortable with the pace and the person.

Don't forget, there's no set timeline for moving on after a breakup. Take your time, focus on yourself, and when you're ready, the motivation to start dating again will come naturally.

What is the importance of allowing yourself time to heal after a difficult breakup?

Allowing time to heal after a difficult breakup is essential for emotional and mental well-being because of the need to:

1. Process the emotions: A breakup can bring up a range of emotions, such as sadness, anger, and confusion. Allowing yourself time to heal can help process these emotions and come to terms with the end of a relationship.
2. Gain clarity: Taking time away from the relationship can give you perspective and clarity on what went wrong and what you want in a future relationship.
3. Learn from the experience: Reflecting on the relationship can help you learn from your experiences and identify patterns or behaviors that may have contributed to the breakup.
4. Build self-esteem: Going through a breakup can sometimes lead to feelings of low self-esteem. Allowing yourself time to heal can provide an opportunity to build your self-esteem and work on personal growth.
5. Avoid repeating patterns: Rushing into a new relationship without allowing time to heal can lead to repeating similar patterns or making similar mistakes.

Overall, giving yourself time to heal after a difficult breakup is essential for your emotional and mental well-being, personal growth, and future relationship success.

Why is it so important to reflect on the past relationship when recovering from a bad breakup?

Reflecting on your past relationship can help:

1. Learn from the experience: By reflecting on the past relationship, you can identify what went wrong, what worked well, and what you want in a future relationship. This helps you learn from the experience and avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
2. Gain closure: Reflecting can help you gain closure and come to terms with the end of the relationship. This can be particularly helpful if the breakup was unexpected or particularly painful.
3. Process emotions: Going through a breakup can bring up a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and confusion. Reflecting can help you process these emotions and come to a place of acceptance and understanding.
4. Identify red flags: By reflecting on the past relationship, you can identify any red flags or deal-breakers that you may have missed or ignored during the relationship. This can help you make better choices in the future.
5. Build self-awareness: Understanding your past relationship can help you develop a deeper understanding of yourself, your needs, and your values. This can help you make better choices in future relationships and build a stronger sense of self.

When socializing with friends and family after a bad breakup, are there boundaries that need to be maintained or a best way to enlist your emotional support?

When socializing with friends and family after a bad breakup, it's important to establish healthy boundaries and communicate your needs clearly. These are some tips for enlisting emotional support from friends and family while maintaining healthy boundaries:

1. Be honest about your feelings: It's important to be honest with your friends and family about how you're feeling. Let them know if you need space or if you're open to talking about the breakup.
2. Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries around what you're comfortable discussing and what you're not. For example, you might not want to talk about your ex-partner or the details of the breakup.
3. Choose the right people: Make sure you choose people who are supportive and who have your best interests at heart. Avoid people who might judge you or make you feel worse.
4. Be specific about your needs: Let your friends and family know exactly what you need from them. Do you need someone to listen, offer advice, or just distract you from your thoughts?
5. Thank them for your support: It's important to express gratitude to your loved ones for your support. Let them know how much you appreciate them being there for you during this difficult time.

How do you know when you're ready to start dating again after a bad breakup?

Knowing when you're ready to start dating again after a bad breakup can be a challenging and personal decision. Some signs you're ready to start dating again could be when:

1. You've processed your emotions: You've had time to process your emotions and have come to terms with the end of the previous relationship. You no longer feel angry, resentful, or heartbroken when you think about your ex-partner.
2. You're not seeking validation: You're not looking for validation from a new relationship. You're comfortable with who you are, and you're not using a new relationship as a way to fill a void or prove something to yourself.
3. You have a clear idea of what you want: You have a clear idea of what you're looking for in a new relationship. You've identified your deal-breakers, values, and priorities, and you're not willing to compromise on them.
4. You're excited about dating again: You feel excited and curious about meeting new people and exploring new relationships. You're not feeling anxious or scared about dating again.
5. You're emotionally available: You're emotionally available and ready to invest time and energy into a new relationship. You're not still emotionally attached to your ex-partner or holding onto the past.
6. You're open-minded: Try not to have too many expectations about what dating will be like. Be open-minded and willing to try new things, and you may be surprised at what you discover.
7. You're patient: Remember that dating is a process, and it may take time to find the right person. Be patient and enjoy the journey.
8. You can have fun: Dating should be fun and exciting. Try to approach it with a positive attitude and enjoy the journey.
9. Observe behavior: Pay attention to how the other person behaves towards you and others. Do you treat you with respect and kindness? Do you have healthy relationships with friends and family?
10. You can trust your instincts: If something doesn't feel right, trust your instincts. Don't ignore red flags or make excuses for the other person's behavior.
11. You won't settle: Don't settle for someone who isn't right for you just because you're afraid of being alone. Be patient and trust that the right person will come along when the time is right.

By following these tips, you can increase the chances of finding a compatible partner and avoid getting into a relationship with someone who is not right for you!

Are there websites that will help me know myself better so that I do a better job finding a good relationship match?

Yes, there are several websites and resources that can help you know yourself better and improve your chances of finding a good relationship match. Here are a few examples:

1. 16Personalities.com: This website offers a free personality test based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). The test provides insights into your personality type, strengths, and weaknesses, and can help you understand your preferences in relationships.
2. The Enneagram Institute: The Enneagram is a personality typing system that can provide insights into your motivations, fears, and desires. The Enneagram Institute website offers a free Enneagram test and resources to help you understand your type.
3. Love Languages: The Five Love Languages is a book by Dr. Gary Chapman that outlines five different ways that people give and receive love. Take the free quiz on the Love Languages website to discover your love language and learn how to communicate your needs in relationships.
4. MindBodyGreen: This website offers a variety of quizzes and assessments related to self-discovery, including quizzes related to personality, love, and relationships.
5. Therapy: If you're looking for more personalized guidance, working with a therapist can be a great way to gain insights into yourself and improve your relationships.

Remember, self-knowledge is an ongoing process, and there is always more to learn about yourself. Take advantage of these resources and keep exploring what makes you unique and what you want in a relationship.‍

Focus on self-improvement: Focus on improving yourself and pursuing your own interests. This can help you feel more confident and attractive to potential partners.

Remember that there is no one "right" way to meet someone new. Be open-minded and try a variety of approaches until you find what works best for you.

‍Why should I be optimistic about finding love again after a breakup?

You should always be optimistic about finding love again after a breakup! Think about the positives:

1. You have experience: Going through a breakup can be a difficult and painful experience, but it also provides you with valuable insights and experience. You now know more about what you want and need in a relationship, and you have a better understanding of the red flags to look out for.
2. You have a clean slate: Starting over after a breakup can be scary, but it also means that you have a clean slate. You have the opportunity to create a new life for yourself and find a partner who truly compliments you.
3. You have more time: You may have more time to focus on yourself and your own needs. This can help you become more self-aware and emotionally healthy, making you a more attractive partner to potential matches.
4. You have more options: With online dating and other ways to meet people, you have more options than ever before to find a partner who is a good match for you.
5. Love is always possible: No matter how difficult your breakup was or how long it has been since you were last in a serious relationship, love is always possible. You never know when you could meet someone who is perfect for you.

Finding love again after a breakup takes time and effort, but it is possible. Stay positive, focus on your own growth and happiness, and be open to new possibilities.

My friends warn me not to try so hard to find a relationship. Is this good advice?

Your friends' advice may have some merit, as putting too much pressure on yourself to find a relationship can actually make it more difficult to connect with someone. These are some possible reasons for this advice:

1. Desperation is a turn-off: If you come across as too eager or desperate to find a relationship, it can actually turn potential partners off. It can make you seem needy or clingy, which can be a turn-off for many people.
2. You may settle for less: When you're too focused on finding a relationship, you may be tempted to settle for someone who isn't a good match for you. This can lead to a relationship that is unsatisfying or even unhealthy in the long run.
3. You may miss out on other opportunities: When you're solely focused on finding a romantic relationship, you may miss out on other opportunities to connect with people and build meaningful connections. This can limit your social circle and make it more difficult to meet potential partners.

Remember that not trying at all to find a relationship can also be a hindrance to meeting someone. It's all about finding a healthy balance between actively seeking out opportunities to meet new people and not putting too much pressure on yourself or potential partners.

The secret sauce is to focus on yourself and your own happiness first, and let a relationship develop naturally over time. Try not to make finding a relationship the sole focus of your life, but also don't completely close yourself off to the idea. Focus on building fulfilling friendships and hobbies, ...and a relationship could just present itself!

How do I make myself more attractive to potential dating partners?

Making yourself more attractive to potential dating partners involves a combination of physical, emotional, and social factors. If you're really not sure where or how to start, just keep it simple:

1. Take care of yourself physically: Maintaining good physical health can make you more attractive to potential partners. This includes exercising regularly, eating a healthy diet, and getting enough sleep.
2. Dress to impress: Wear clothing that makes you feel confident and attractive. This doesn't necessarily mean you have to wear expensive or trendy clothing, but rather clothing that fits well and makes you feel good about yourself.
3. Show confidence: Confidence is attractive to many people. Try to be confident in yourself and your abilities, and don't be afraid to show it.
4. Be positive and upbeat: People are naturally drawn to positive and upbeat personalities. Try to focus on the positive aspects of your life and bring a positive attitude to your interactions with others.
5. Cultivate interesting hobbies and passions: Having interesting hobbies and passions can make you more attractive to potential partners. Not only does it show that you have a life outside of dating, but it can also be a great conversation starter.
6. Develop good communication skills: Communication is a key aspect of any relationship. Developing good communication skills, such as active listening and clear expression of your thoughts and feelings, can make you a more attractive partner.

It's important to be true to yourself and not try to change who you are to attract someone else. Focus on becoming the best version of yourself and the right person will be attracted to you for who you are.

"Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time." - Asha Tyson

This quote reminds us that every experience we go through in life, including a breakup, shapes us and prepares us for what's to come. Trust that your journey has prepared you for the next chapter of your life, including finding love again. You're exactly where you need to be, and the future is full of possibilities.

_{Disclosure: This article was not written by a medical professional, unless specifically stated otherwise. Advice or support content is not intended to be either professional medical or mental health advice or recommendations. All support and advice is from direct and/or anecdotal contributor/author experiences and topic research. If you are experiencing a physical or mental health emergency or mental or physical abuse, please seek professional support. Some of the links in this article may be affiliate links, which can provide compensation to us, at no cost to you when you decide to purchase a reviewed product.}

‍

‍